Monthly Archives: December 2012

I don’t know them

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I don’t know them, but apparently there are people in the world who enjoy weed not for its childlike magnification of the senses and deep, restful sleep, but rather for its permeating, sickly-sweet smell. For those people, there is Cannabis Incense.

Who knows, maybe you want to be the first person in the world to say “Oh, the smell? That’s just some incense, officer” and not be lying.

Elf On The Shelf

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You may have heard of “Elf On The Shelf” as being a Christmas tradition. Supposedly derived from some kind of vague German holiday ritual, in truth it is a book written in 2005 which comes with a toy elf. A two-buck Chinese toy plus a small Christmas story equals $29.95 of pure Christmas profit.

I’m not surprised; after all, this is America, the magical land where sick people are a source of profit. If you can turn a group of people who arguably need the most compassion and help from their fellow humans into a rag soaked with money to be wrung out, you can surely push Christmas down that last flight of stairs from the temple of humanity. Get out, Christmas, and stay out until you’ve fixed the economy, and if everyone doesn’t have a job by the end of the year it’s YOUR FAULT.

Many years ago, in the Before Times

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Many years ago, in the Before Times, you couldn’t call just anyone on the telephone. If they lived close enough, you could call them for “free”, but if they were far away, you might get charged several dollars a minute. Many people had long-distance calls intentionally turned off on their line for this very reason. If you wanted to meter how long you stayed on a long-distance call, you could use a phone card to buy ten bucks’ worth of telephone time. This might be enough for a half-hour to a not-so-distant city, or a minute and a half to a foreign country.

All of this was, of course, done on a telephone attached to the wall, with a separate handset you pulled off of a hook using a curly cord.

For those who want to live in the nostalgia of the inconvenient, backwards-pants-wearing years of the early 90s, you can purchase a used telephone card for only $200 as a collectible.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.