“Peaches,” you tell the $149.95 voice-activated grocery-list device. “MATCHES,” it prints out.

“No. PEACHES,” you say. “MATCHES,” it prints out.

“You shiteater! PEACH! ES! THE FRUIT!” Obediently, it prints out “GLUE”, “EGG BEATER”, “PEACH”, “EGGS”, and “FRUIT.”

You should get this iPad stylus for $99, and hang it on its special wooden stand, and marvel in its artisanal beauty.

Or you could get 10 regular styluses for $2.98.

Or you could use your stupid finger for free. Your choice, really.

The seven billion people who share our planet have seven billion different answers to the question “why are we here?” My answer, personally, is “to transform, bit-by-bit, any source of human happiness into a product to be purchased.”

Enter the Snowball Maker. Someone found a niche that was unexploited (the two hours people spend outside every winter before returning inside til March) and created a plastic gadget to fill that niche. Those were two hours we spent with our family and friends, buying nothing, enjoying each others’ company, creating memories. Now we can buy a gadget for that fun.

This is why I think that if aliens know there’s life on Earth, they’re not landing here, on purpose.

This power strip is cute enough, but…. if you spend extra money for something to be cutesy, do you want to throw it behind your desk or TV stand to collect dust and hair? Or are you going to set it out on the floor so you can see it, creating a tangle of power cords hanging out from behind your furniture? Either way you lose. Just get something like this 16-outlet behemoth power strip, hide it like a normal person, and put a Pikachu out on your desk if you need something cute.

Wrapping a fake vinyl label around your beer can so you can drink a can of beer in public isn’t a bad idea at heart. It’s just that those of us who do this on a regular basis know to get some empty 20 oz. cups from the coffeeshop, the kind with the cardboard insulator and plastic lid, and pour your nice bottled craft beer in there before leaving home. I’m just out here drinking some Starbucks, y’all.

Sure, you could load your photos into a digital picture frame. Or hang them on the wall. But why not print them all out and hook them onto a freestanding “photo tree”? Then they would be harder to look at, and it would take up an enormous amount of room in your house, and you wouldn’t be able to look at the photos in the back, and your cat would definitely not try to fuck with it the whole time you’re asleep.