Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror.

Haul your bag of presents up to Santa’s face and drop a load of presents down his chimney.

The Dutch have a great phrase for “T-Qualizer”, the t-shirt with a glowing panel on the front. It’s called plaatsvervangende schaamte and it means “shame that you feel on the behalf of someone who should feel ashamed but doesn’t.”

Instead of opening the end of the butter wrapper and cutting a piece off the end with a knife or fork, how about you unwrap the whole thing and load it into the special cartridge of the Butter Cutter. Then you find that (according to reviews) a regular stick of butter won’t fit. You actually have to cut off a hunk of the butter before loading it into the Butter Cutter. Also, if you keep it in the fridge, the butter will be too hard to cut with the Butter Cutter. Also, the butter gets caught inside and you have to scrape it out with a knife. It’s the convenient way to cut butter.

Private Gym is an absurdly expensive DVD/app that comes with a little dongle to clip onto yourself while you’re watching the videos. Like every other penis product in the universe, it claims your penis will work better, and your partner will love you more. And while it’s true that strengthening your pelvic-floor muscles can have health benefits, there are instructions online on how to do the exercises yourself, for free. You don’t need a chip-clip and a DVD.

How large is this television? According to someone who admits to drinking before deciding to dive in and answer customer questions, it is six feet wide by “four mojoito deep.”

Most well-known for making tiny, expensive notebooks, the Moleskine Backpack is similarly tiny and expensive. At three inches thick and only ten inches across, it’s best suited for carrying… probably some Moleskine notebooks. That was probably their plan.

(The notebook I linked there is expensive, relatively speaking, but it’s not this out-of-print $1,700+ Moleskine notebook, at least.)