CigarzUp Cigar Holder


This single piece of plastic, which sells for $11.89 plus shipping, holds your cigar next to your bottle of beer. There is already a gadget that holds your cigar, and conveniently also holds the ash that falls off of your cigar. It’s called an “ashtray.” There are even inexpensive cigar ashtrays with deep grooves to hold multiple cigars and an extra-large dent for cigar ash.

One review notes that it slips down the bottle as condensation collects on the outside, which seems reasonable, but ultimately, the manufacturer insists that this “keeps your cigar away from your bottle,” while doing the opposite.

If you’re still obsessed with the idea of smoking and drinking at the same time in the same place, there is the Wake & Bake Coffee mug, which combines a weed pipe with a coffee mug, though you’re going to have to hold a mug of hot coffee in front of your face while you inhale through the mug handle and torch the bowl with your other hand.

It’s been postulated that this universe is a simulation, running somewhere on an ultra-powerful computer, and we’re objects inside of it, reacting endlessly to stimuli, interacting in unpredictable ways to create emergent behavior surprising or entertaining to those running the simulation. Shine a bright light on an amoeba, and it moves. Let humans develop the technology to turn oil into plastic, and we create Bratz, and heart valves, and CigarzUp, and seatbelts, and dildos, and Nintendos. They’re taking screenshots of us, getting run over by buses, sucking the cherry from a combination weed-pipe-coffee-mug into our lungs, thrashing around as we scream. At least someone, somewhere, is getting something out of all of this.

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