The Worst Things For Sale

This is a piece of plywood. And this is what happens when you pester the customer who bought plywood to write a review about the plywood.

The Egg Cuber allows you to turn a hard-boiled egg into a cube. It doesn’t, however, explain why you would want to do this in the first place.

“Chill out? Just because I smoke a ton of weed and I’m very cool, you think I’m going to chill?” Derek shrieked, pulling the tiny knife out of his weed necklace. “I’m not going to chill! I’M NOT GOING TO CHILL!” He lunged at the Arby’s cashier, swinging the knife wildly. “GIVE ME FIVE FOR FIVE, THEN WE’LL SEE WHO’S CHILL!”

The Silhouette “sense-enhancing wine glass” has a dip in one side, so your nose fits into it. (Check out the “elegant” picture of a lady drinking out of it.) The manufacturer claims that it helps you taste wine better, because you can stick your nose right into the glass. That would make sense, if regular wine glasses didn’t already have a big hole at the top that lets you smell the wine.

It costs $49.95… for one glass.

There’s no way of choosing the sex of your baby by having sex at a specific time or in a specific way. But that doesn’t stop people from trying to make money by claiming you can. “How To Get Pregnant With A Boy,” “How To Choose The Sex Of Your Baby,” and “How To Get Pregnant With A Girl” are three self-published titles by three different authors who would like you to believe, to the tune of two to five dollars each, that such a thing is possible.

UPDATE! My new project with Natalie Dee is called Garbage Brain University, and we’re publishing a TWICE-WEEKLY PODCAST, each one full of weird facts and stories. You can listen to the first EIGHTEEN EPISODES at garbagebrainuniversity.com and drop your email in there to get our weekly updates.

“No more cold nose,” promises Aunt Marty’s Nose Warmers, whose products include “Soft Kitty” (above), “White Sheep,” and “Silly Skunk”. The best-reviewed one is the animal-faceless “Purple And White,” which still, unfortunately, looks like a tiny, stupid hat strapped to the model’s nose.