Whole-body vibrator

Weight-loss is an amazing industry. Nothing is forbidden, and nothing is too ridiculous to sell.

The whole-body-vibration machine is the newest trend in exercise equipment, and it comes just in time for people tired of shaking their Shake Weight, last year’s home-exercise accessory of choice. While it may be years until a fitness company can debase thousands of people with another pornographic jerkoff machine, the vibration platform will do for now.

As you might imagine, a vibration platform does not accelerate weight-loss through any physiological mechanism, and it can potentially injure soft tissue, especially in your spine. You might feel sore after you’re done, but I feel sore after sitting on my butt in a computer chair, and it doesn’t mean I exercised.

The vibration platform does have one benefit, though: It allows you to install a giant vibrator in your house and demand privacy from your family while you use it. Kids, give me twenty minutes. I have to…. exercise.