Monthly Archives: April 2014

How To Shit In The Woods

shit-in-the-woods

This book is now in its 3rd edition and gives you detailed instructions for taking a shit outdoors. It’s sold 2,500,000 copies. The entirety of existence of life on earth, lasting billions of years, has involved shitting outside on the ground, yet this book exists and is a best-seller.

If you’re in the target market for this book, you might also want Sex In A Tent, an instructional manual for having sex outdoors. Another basic component of mammalian biology that you somehow fail to grasp. Lord knows how you feed yourself.



Japanese Ultimate Electric Piston Masturbator for Men

piston-masturbator

This $280 jacker-offer comes with a plea by the manufacturer: “please, please take a chance to experience the greatness of the ultimate electric piston masturbator born out of our hardship.” It also claims that the device “massively exceeds the speed of a human hand job” and that “there might be some noise from the engine when running at high speed.” Damn straight it better have some noise from the engine! I ain’t payin’ $280 for it if it’s gonna be Edward Whisperhands.

I’ve included a safe-for-work picture here, but there are images of people using it on the manufacturer’s page, if you’re not at work.



Apocalyptic Masturbation

oh-shit-the-awakening

If it’s been a while since you dipped your toe into the apocalyptic fringe, why not have a look today? “The Prepper: Part One”, “Oh Sh!t… The Awakening”, “Grid Down: Perceptions of Reality”, “Society’s Collapse: A Long Road Ahead”, and “Equipping Modern Patriots” are some of the best-selling books in the genre of Prepper Fiction, a masturbatory fantasy by and for people who keep food and guns in their basement. The message, of course, is that it’s actually good and smart to hoard bullets and bags of rice, not a delusion or fantasy about using the end of society to acquire the power and resources they lack here in the real world.

In case you’re not tempted yet to hit the “look inside” link to read these (which you can do on the product page) – each and every one has a monologue by at least one character about how Obama caused the fictional apocalypse, via power failure, cyber-attack, or nuclear blast.








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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.