Monthly Archives: October 2020

Core Your Cupcakes

cupcake-corer

What’s a tool you’ll use in your kitchen again and again? Obviously, it’s “The Cupcake Corer.” It’s designed to cut the center out of a cupcake, which most of us have to do daily. Finally, the struggle is over. No more using the Treat Corer, a generic dessert-coring device not specifically designed for cupcakes.



Dick Myths: Jelqing

the-penilizer-jelq-device

Jelqing is the technique of squeezing blood into your penis to temporarily, and, as the practitioners hope, permanently enlarge it over time. (It doesn’t, by the way, and can cause circulatory and nerve problems to your organ, making it numb or harder to achieve erections.) Still, millions of men across the planet have a pathological desire to enlarge their penis, meaning we end up with tools like The Penilizer.

For those who don’t want to drop the dough, there is a cheaper and commonly-used kitchen-tool alternative that seems to do the very same thing. Keep it in a drawer with your spatulas and no one but you and your permanently-damaged dick will be the wiser.



The USB Polygraph

usb-lie-detector

A polygraph measures your pulse and skin conductivity. It’s usually inadmissible in court, since its accuracy rate is so low that it’s inappropriate to use as evidence in a criminal case. But, hey, if you want to drop a few bucks to accuse your friends and family of things they didn’t do and record their bodily functions on your phone with this USB polygraph, feel free.

Earthworm Jerky

earthworm-jerky

You may have eaten ostrich and alligator jerky, but you’ve probably never had earthworm jerky. This is your chance to drop fifteen bucks to eat something you could probably dig out of your yard yourself.



Your Old Slingshot, Sold Back To You

slingshot-hipster

What is adult life if not the simple, cheap joys of childhood sold back to us at a premium? It used to be that companies would make shiny, mass-produced, clam-packaged versions of our memories and sell them back to us in chain stores, but now, people handmake our shitty old stuff and charge us even more for it. “It’s just like the wooden slingshot you used to make as a kid,” says the manufacturer, even though the price implies it should probably be a whole lot better than something I’d make with a stick in the woods as a child.

They also make a hundred-dollar “Tree Swing,” which is a board with two holes drilled in it.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.