Monthly Archives: June 2013

Flipper: The Toilet Seat Lifter


Contrary to the manufacturer’s claim, Flipper, a foot lever hooked to a string that Rube-Goldbergs your toilet lid up and down, won’t “save your marriage.” You’ll need communication skills and two fewer kids to do that.

EMF Protection Pendant


This EMF Protection Pendant ($84) would protect you against electro-magnetic radiation, except:

1. A small coil of wire wouldn’t protect you from the wide spectrum of electro-magnetic radiation that surrounds and passes through everyone on Earth.

2. If wearing this makes your symptoms go away, then your problem wasn’t radiation.

USB Wind Turbine


The manufacturers of this $43 USB fan styled it after a power-generating turbine, leading one customer to note “looks neet but dose not charge anything.”

Man Town: The Smell


No, Yankee Candle, a place called “Man Town” doesn’t smell like a blend of spices, woods, and musk. It smells like beer that went stale as it soaked into a beige carpet that’s never been vacuumed, with hints of moldy shower and piss on the wall next to the toilet.

A Guide To Life


Do you need a book on how to exist as an alive person in the world? Then you might as well get one “written” by a fictional lizard invented by GEICO, an insurance company, to convince people to buy their insurance. People who have watched paid advertising involving this computer-animated talking lizard love the ads so much that they bought the book. It has 10 customer reviews, all of which have four or five stars.

For every one of us who enjoys novel, visceral tales of human accomplishment and emotion, there are a hundred living, breathing bipeds that keep the coal plants running so they can watch advertising late into the night.

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