Monthly Archives: January 2017

Dick & Titty Trophies

weiner-trophy boobie-trophy

A golden penis, and a golden pair of breasts, bolted to trophy stands, each festooned with a red-white-and-blue ribbon. They’re pixellated here not because I find them offensive, but because your boss might. You can see them in their naked trophy glory on the original listings if you like.

They’re “frequently bought with” this statue of two bananas fucking, because this world is a toilet, and we’re swirling, slowly but surely, with all the other turds.



Himalayan Salt Lamp: An Update

himalayan-salt-lamp

I wrote about Himalayan Salt Lamps before, pointing out that they have no legitimate health benefits. (Any claims of “ions”, positive or negative, are almost always indicative of a scam.) But earlier this month, the US Product Safety Commission issued a recall notice for 80,000 salt lamps of 3 different brands, because they’re prone to overheating and causing fires.

(The fires are not caused by ions, for what that’s worth.)



Become A Lord In Scotland

become-a-lord-aristocratic-title

This little packet of crap includes a deed to a square foot of land in Scotland, supposedly giving you the right to be called “Lord,” and granting you ownership. Unfortunately, this practice is explicitly outlawed in Scotland, meaning that your deed is meaningless. Not that any rational person would want to call himself Lord, anyway.

3D Scammer

matter-and-form-3d-scanner

The Matter And Form 3D Scanner is a great idea. You throw a small object into it, and it’ll turn scan it into a 3D file that you can edit on your computer, and then print with a 3D printer. Except that it doesn’t work, rendering dark areas as holes, and shiny or transparent areas as scrambled garbage. The customer reviews include a guy who covered his scanned objects in flour to get them to scan correctly, and someone noting that the scanner scans the scanner itself, adding the rotating platform to your 3D file as part of the model.



Imitation Purple Drank

actright-sizzurp

Whether you call it lean, purple, sizzurp, or drank, the abuse of codeine-promethazine cough syrup is famous in the world of rap. It’s prescription-only, so naturally, manufacturers have created imitation-lean mixtures with melatonin, kava kava, and 5-HTP, which are all available over the counter and make you tired. Actright Sizzurp isn’t the only one. There’s also Hi-Tek Purple Haze 2x, Legal Lean, and a product actually named Purple Drank.

Of course, as happens in 21st-century America in general, the pharmaceutical companies win this battle, with the diphenhydramine (Benadryl)-loaded purple ZzzQuil syrup available online and off.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.