Monthly Archives: September 2012

iPad Virtual Keyboard: The Magic Cube


The Celluon Magic Cube is a “virtual keyboard” for your iPad. Maybe if it weren’t $139.99, or if the iPad didn’t have a virtual keyboard built into its OS, it might be useful.

Laughably, the picture of the Magic Cube in use shows the iPad keyboard on the iPad’s screen, and it didn’t occur to the manufacturer that this might highlight the uselessness of the Magic Cube. This is all beside the point that Magic Cube is a way better name for a vibrator.

I Piss Excellence


By the very act of purchasing and affixing an “I Piss Excellence” decal to your truck, you are confirming that you are, in fact, the pinnacle of evolution. Fifty thousand years of homo sapiens have fucked each other and spent their adult lives fighting over their kids to ensure that you, one day, would exist. You are great. You are amazing. Your truck is amazing. Thank you for being you.

Aura Cleanser


Aura Cleanser is $12.95 worth of mystery liquid in a four-ounce spray bottle. The manufacturer claims it will “fluff up your aura with this incredible alchemy mister.” You might want to read the full description if you haven’t gotten your RDA of mystical energy bullshit yet today.

Get the last of the toothpaste out of the tube


I have obsessions. Maybe I even have a lot of them. But I try to recognize that I’m getting too concerned with something and just let it go. I don’t buy a special tool to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the toothpaste tube.

Here’s the deal with consumer products. They are labeled “to delivery” which means that in every 6-ounce tube of toothpaste, there’s actually more than six ounces inside. The average user can squeeze six ounces out, leaving some residue inside, but surely getting their moneys’ worth of toothpaste. Same with deodorant and hairspray. They put a little extra in there so you get what you paid for.

If you can’t help thinking about your lost toothpaste and you buy a torture device to angrily force the residual tenth of an ounce of fucking Colgate out of the tube and into your crazy mouth, then you don’t need an $18 toothpaste-tube wringer. You need to talk to a professional, or maybe just a mirror to look into, so you can ask your reflection if you’re being unreasonable.

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