31 August, 2020
31 August, 2020
30 August, 2020
No! NO! BAD! That is not the chalice! You are licking the goddamn toilet! BAD! Bad bredren!
28 August, 2020
This sixteen-pound lump of cyberflesh, an adult novelty, is described as “Threesome” by the manufacturer. It is, of course, a Onesome, a point lost on the reviewers, who were disappointed in it for other reasons.
(I have pixellated the image above for obvious reasons, but you can see the uncensored version on the listing, if you’re not at work.)
27 August, 2020
Just like the bulletproof backpacks that came out after a round of school shootings a couple years back, the SkySaver is meant to capitalize on your fear of being stuck in a burning skyscraper in a post-9/11 world. It’s an insanely expensive one-time-use cable and rappelling harness that you use, once, to escape from the window of a room that’s up to 260 feet away from the street.
Since the only way to actually review one of these would be to blow a thousand bucks by testing it, there aren’t any reviews from people who have actually used it. And if your skyscraper catches on fire, and it fails to save your life, you won’t leave a review either. Given the statistics of skyscraper fires, and the limitations of this device, it’s likely that no one who has purchased one will actually use it as intended.
26 August, 2020
Bullet push-pins are the perfect gift for the ultraviolent person in your life who would love to shoot his cork-board but doesn’t want to pay to repair the wall behind it. They’re also perfect for sticking into a map to mark your past shooting sprees… or plan them for the future.
25 August, 2020
Tactical Bacon comes in a can with a gun logo. Whether you eat it in a fortified compound while you’re having a standoff with the federal government, or alone, by the light of your computer, this $45-per-pound processed meat product will probably allow you to complete your mission to do whatever you’re doing. There are, theoretically, “101 Things To Do With Bacon,” but let’s be realistic.