Monthly Archives: May 2016

Donald Trump Deodorant

donald-trump-success-deodorant

“Success?!” crows the television host. “More like FAILURE. They should call it Failure Deodorant.” He extends his index finger and thumb to form a handgun, then blows smoke from the imaginary gun’s barrel. Another political career destroyed by a single insult. It’s just another day at work to him.



Tactical Bacon

tactical-bacon

Tactical Bacon comes in a can with a gun logo. Whether you eat it in a fortified compound while you’re having a standoff with the federal government, or alone, by the light of your computer, this $45-per-pound processed meat product will probably allow you to complete your mission to do whatever you’re doing. There are, theoretically, “101 Things To Do With Bacon,” but let’s be realistic.

Shoot Your Cork-Board

bullet-push-pins

Bullet push-pins are the perfect gift for the ultraviolent person in your life who would love to shoot his cork-board but doesn’t want to pay to repair the wall behind it. They’re also perfect for sticking into a map to mark your past shooting sprees… or plan them for the future.

How To Make Money From Fear

skysaver-backpack

Just like the bulletproof backpacks that came out after a round of school shootings a couple years back, the SkySaver is meant to capitalize on your fear of being stuck in a burning skyscraper in a post-9/11 world. It’s an insanely expensive one-time-use cable and rappelling harness that you use, once, to escape from the window of a room that’s up to 260 feet away from the street.

Since the only way to actually review one of these would be to blow a thousand bucks by testing it, there aren’t any reviews from people who have actually used it. And if your skyscraper catches on fire, and it fails to save your life, you won’t leave a review either. Given the statistics of skyscraper fires, and the limitations of this device, it’s likely that no one who has purchased one will actually use it as intended.








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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.