Monthly Archives: May 2016

Mark One Prime Vessyl


The Mark One Prime Vessyl is a $99 rechargeable cup that links to your phone so you can remember to drink water during the day.

If only your body had a way of internally determining whether or not it needed water, and signaling you when it determined that you need to drink water.

Putin Riding A Bear: The Action Figure


Remember back, long ago, in 2014, how Russia invaded Ukraine, seizing control of Crimea, killing ten thousand Ukrainians and displacing millions more? If you think that was really hilarious and cool, then Putin Riding A Bear might be the toy for you, an adult who’s into toys, and military-based mass murder. It’s even got FAKE ЯЦSSIAИ on the box. How can you go wrong?

America Is Already Great


This hat is symbolic of every pallid, limp response the Democrats have to the Republican Party. Instead of changing policy to benefit actual people, they make a Democrat hat to refute the Republican hat, equally false, and equally trivial. The Republicans are fucking us with brooms, and the Democrats brag that they’ve worked hard to reduce broom-fucking by ten percent over the past seven years. We eat hamburgers, or don’t eat hamburgers, for freedom, or to protest freedom. We are all helpless and want and need divine intervention but are only able to conjure men who declare themselves God because their father was rich. Every meaningful social movement is kneecapped by the hyper-wealthy, who laugh as our income declines in real terms, as it has for the past fifteen years.

Pick a side. Buy your hat. Argue with your neighbor over how often you want to be broom-fucked. America is exactly as great as you think it is, and will be.

The Cat Bank

This cat-bank is cute…. unless you’re a real cat.  

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