Monthly Archives: July 2012

The 85-pound root beer mystery


I’ve been wondering why 24 cans of MUG root beer weigh 85 pounds, according to this listing. An empty soda can only weighs an ounce, which means that the contents of each can weigh 3.48 pounds each. At 12 fluid ounces’ volume per, that means the density of the contents of these cans is 4.6 times that of water.

You know what else has a density 4.6 times that of water? SOLID TITANIUM. THEY’RE FULL OF SOLID TITANIUM!!!!

It could be a listing error, but the smart money here is on the titanium root beer.

John Deere: North American Farmer


On the cover of John Deere: North American Farmer, the father and son stare off into the distance, trying to think of a worse thing than a game where you pretend to be a farmer. They think, and stare, and think, and the sun begins to set, painting the rural sky in brilliant shades of purple.

Finally, the son speaks up. “There may be no worse game, dad,” he says, “but we can wait until it goes out of print and try to sell used copies for $150.



Yes, you could use these candles to spell out CONGRATULATIONS on someone’s cake. But as you open the package and begin to unsort the letters, a sinister thought grips your mind. You begin spelling other things. “CONTAGIOUS,” you almost spike into the cake, then changing your mind to “CASTRATION.” Your mind goes into Scrabble mode, and you spell out “GLUTTON”, “ATROCIOUS”, “LACTATION”, and finally, “STRANGULATION”.

With a dramatic sweep of your hand, you shuttle the unused candles into the trash, opting instead to write “Good Job” in frosting.

Espresso Machine from the Future


The main cost of this $3,199 espresso machine, I’m guessing, is the special feature that lets you store drink recipes and retrieve them with a futuristic fingerprint pad. You push your finger onto the screen and then it makes your espresso.

If you’re a coffee snob, or a barista, you know that a little tiny machine isn’t going to tamp the espresso down properly or develop enough pressure to pull a decent shot. But I guess if you’ve got three grand to blow on a coffeemaker, you’re probably in a headspace where you’re tired of not having coffee made automatically when you push your thumb into the cheek of a Starbucks employee without saying a word.



“Sir, I’ll need your license and registration, please.”

“What’s this about, officer?”

“Do you know what time it is?”

“No, officer, I don’t.”

“It’s I Pulled You Over When I Saw Your Sticker:30.

Big Wet Asses


I agree that a USB thumb-drive is more convenient and portable than a DVD, but I’m not sure that you need 4 gigabytes of ass-porn “every where you go,” as the manufacturer suggests.

And I love the name “Fleshdrive” for a flash drive full of “Big Wet Asses” but I’m not sure who owns a computer in 2012 and hasn’t yet figured out that the internet is entirely full of free, streaming ass-porn, or failing that, gotten the idea to simply store his ass-porn on his computer instead of carrying it around on his keychain like a gym membership.

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Contact drew at or tweet him @TWTFSale.