I understand that “people who collect cat hair” is probably a bigger audience than any of us realize. Right now, someone is stuffing loose cat hair in a bag, their mind racing as they stuff it in their closet on top of their other bags of cat hair, heart pounding, thinking I can’t throw this away. Something bad will happen. 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.

So I regret to inform you that there is no self-help portion to this book. It’s just a list of crafts you can make with the cat hair you save because your mind is fucked up. But, hey, if you live in a house with enough cat hair that you can make shit out of the cat hair, maybe you just need a little cat puppet made out of cat hair that fell out of a cat’s body to keep you company. I’m not judging anyone here.

Hahahaha yes I am.

The anguish that comes when looking at a $1,150 “wedge bootie” is not simply aesthetic disdain. The anguish that we feel when we look and think about this is what the money could have been spent on. Someone with bad taste is taking this amount of money, and stomping around on the money about 3 times, and then throwing the money in the trash when it gets dirty. It’s a good metaphor for America in 2012.

From an epicurean standpoint, maybe keeping your milk and cereal separate makes sense. But the problem I have with this bowl is that it’s the size of about 4 regular cereal bowls, and enables you to load up about 2000 calories of cereal and milk, which means you can sit there and shovel an entire day’s worth of calories into your face without even pausing to get up for more cereal.

Maybe you’re a performance athlete and you need this many carbs, in which case, go for it. Don’t let me stop your performance. But to me, a non-performance non-athlete, it looks like a one way trip to diabetes.

Sadly, the description for this object does not say “With my mind on your bookshelf and the current time and temperature on my mind.”

Have you ever wanted to put a tiny amount of orange liquid into a shot glass that will melt, and then hold it in your weirdly babylike hand? You’re in luck, babyhand, because a company has made your stupid dream a reality.

Never mind the fact that shotglasses made of ice are really only useful outside in the summer, which is also the time of year where they will immediately melt enough to be slippery. And never mind the fact that slippery things are really handy when you’ve been drinking. It’s the suggestion that you use JUICE in this that really blows my mind. Getting wet from melting ice, having a wet hand outside, these are things that happen. But having your fat little babyhand slicked with sticky orange juice while you try to hold a melting shotglass made of frozen orange juice, and then drink a separate liquid out of it, is a bit too much to ask.

I hate how football merchandising paints every football fan as being unable to do something unless it has their favorite team’s logo on it. Take, for example, Ohio State Buckeye Yahtzee. The need this fulfills is “Fuck, I love Yahtzee, but I ain’t playing it because it got no football.”

For the sake of brevity I’ll forgo commentary on OSU Cornhole and OSU Jenga, you’ll have to do the “Customers who bought this also bought” thing to see them.

You like binary, you stupid fucking clock? Zeroes and ones? How about this? You like these binaries? (holds up two middle fingers) Smell the fuck you, binary clock, waste of $25-ass not telling me what time it is ass clock.