The Orgreenic frying pan boasts a non-stick surface that is absent of teflon. Teflon pans, as you may know, release toxic gas if they are heated long enough with nothing in them. Sounds good, but of course it’s a piece of shit or I wouldn’t be writing about it here.

1. The instructions require you to “season” it with oil. You know what else requires this? A cast iron pan.

2. The non-stick properties of this pan fail when it is not “seasoned” properly or enough. Like a cast iron pan.

The cherry on this sundae is, of course, the name orgreenic, a gross way to shoehorn the concepts of “green” and “organic” into a piece of metal. I guess there’s actually a second cherry, too, and that’s the gallery of customer images showing the pan covered in burned shit because it doesn’t really work at all.

I walked through the rainforest for hours, almost giving up before coming upon a small clearing with a hut. I knocked on the door, and the shaman waved me in.

On the dirt floor of the hut sat a new MacBook Pro, and in preparation for my visit, the shaman had called up the recipe for ayahuasca, the spiritual hallucinogen of his ancestors. “You can get all the shit you need online, bro,” he told me, pointing to a listing for powdered mimosa hostilis. “I’ll get overnight on it so we can get trippy ASAP.” He clicked the checkout button, and then opened the MP3 player. “You into Shpongle?” I shook my head. He ignored me, clicking the Shpongle, and the laptop’s speakers began to play vaguely-ethnic techno.

“You want some bath salts?” he asked, passing me a paper envelope. I shook my head again, and he laughed. “I fuckin’ love bath salts, bro,” he said, tilted his head back, and emptied the envelope into one nostril.

There is no cure or effective treatment for cellulite. The problem with that is not that ladies’ legs get a little lumpy (Men don’t care, BTW) but that companies step in to fill the void with hoaxes and pseudomedicine.

My favorite anti-cellulite device, and I’ve looked at hundreds, is the G5 GX-99, which is an awful fancy name for a piece of shit that looks like a carwash vacuum taped to the bottom of a doctor’s chair. It’s not my favorite because it does over $2000 of nothing, either. It’s my favorite because the “product features” are a single, empty bullet point, nicely summing up the idea that if you want to fight cellulite, you’ll need boxing gloves and the lower half of any woman over 20.

The melodica is a unique instrument. It’s sort of a cross between a harmonica and an accordion. Like a harmonica, it sounds terrible when you blow into it, and like an accordion, nobody wants you to play it in their band.

The $199 Kindle Fire tablet-computer is a great gift for when you want to tell someone “I love you, but I don’t iPad love you.”

The “One Trip Grip” is a piece of plastic that you put shopping bags on so you can carry all your groceries at the same time. Unfortunately for the genius who came up with this piece of shit, most people already have a device that enables them to carry more than one shopping bag. It’s called a hand.

This tiny $32 bottle of pheromones is perfect for the woman who doesn’t realize that the best way to attract a man is to exist and be female.