This dreamcatcher bellybutton ring is great for nabbing any mystical dreams that might have otherwise snuck out of your b-hole and been lost.

The Western Digital MyBook 1TB hard drive is great for backups, if you don’t actually want to have your backup drive work when your regular hard drive fails and you need your files. It’s also great at breaking while you’re actively backing up files onto it.

And, sometimes, it won’t show up when you plug it in, but appear unannounced on your desktop two hours later, like a friend with a drug problem, mumbling “Hey, sup” with no mention of where they were or what they were doing.

I’m a sucker for diet foods. Even with the knowledge that whole foods taste better, are healthier, and more satisfying, I will buy and taste and sometimes even eat diet foods.

Walden Farms Calorie-Free Peanut Spread is no exception to the rule. This company sells a long line of “calorie-free” products. To abide by FDA guidelines, this means it would (among other things) contain a negligible amount of carbohydrates, fat, protein, or alcohol. What does that leave? Artificial sweeteners, undigestible filler, and artificial flavoring.

If you’re wondering “how can they replicate the texture of peanut butter with cellulose gum and water?” the answer is that they can’t, and that they also used some fucked-up plastic instead of peanut flavoring, and then someone dipped an old yellow cum sock in it. Or they used Old Yellow Cum Sock #5.

I encourage you to read the customer reviews, not for the people saying it tastes horrible, but for the one guy who is really enthusiastic about how much he loves this stuff, and how he loves to eat it a lot. If that guy ever goes to prison, he’s gonna be pacing his cell all day muttering “Goddamn, how can I get some more of this great prison food?”

If the title of this $449.00 “art” piece matched its listing, meaning it would be called “BIG ABSTRACT Metal WALL SCULPTURE Modern Art MYSTERIOUS”, there would be some levity to contrast its T. J. Maxxiness, but no such luck. It does come with a certificate of authenticity, which I’m guessing says “The bearer of this certificate has horrible taste.”

Just what you never wanted: A USB cassette tape player. Congratulations, science, you’ve finally advanced computer technology to the point where I can once again listen to the half-melted Ned’s Atomic Dustbin tape that’s been under my car seat for 14 years.

Me mates all ‘ave USB hair clippers, for the undercuts, innit, and Iain just nicked a sampler, ‘e’s gonna bang mad choons. Me mum’s got loads of USB scarves, we’ll put ‘em on and take a USB lorry to Madchester.