Monthly Archives: February 2019

This Flag Believes In Cheese Graters


I believe in cheese graters too, because they’re real, and I have one in my kitchen. It’s not something you have to have a lot of faith in. Maybe you’re different, though, and you need this flag to prove to your neighbors that you don’t deny the grating of cheese. It’ll go well with your “I Believe In Bingo” flag. And your “I Believe In Grapefruit” flag. Hey, maybe you live next to a cigar skeptic, and you want to let him know: Cigars are real, and I believe in them, and my flag agrees with me.

The Automatic Ice Cream Cone


Why waste those precious calories moving your hand and mouth around when you could hold this motorized ice cream cone up to your stupid face and smoosh the ice cream into it automatically? After all, if there’s one thing we need in the year 2019, it’s all the calories we can get.

DNA Test Kit For Dogs


This DNA testing kit for dogs ($65) lets you send in a cheek swab from your dog to let you know what you should be doing to “make him happier and healthier.” Here, let me save you the money: Give him dog food and let him shit outside.

The Morgellons Plague Guide


If there’s anyone you should take medical advice from, it’s a man who calls himself “Commander X.” He’s one of the authors of Morgellons: Level 5 Plague Of The New World Order.┬áThe CDC has classified Morgellons as a type of delusional parasitosis, but don’t let that keep you from making money by spreading the insane fear that colored fibers are growing out of your skin because of the government, Commander.

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