If you didn’t read Chinese, you might not know, at first glance, that this box holds a product whose translated name is “Tightens Vagina Expert.”

You might also not realize that the ingredients list is as follows: top soybean extract, collagen, albizia julibrissin durazz, galla chinensis, psoralea corylifolia, incaryillea sinemsis lam, morinda umbellate, cortext eucommiae, pericarpium granati, rhizome curcumae longae, and so on.

It actually says “and so on” at the end of the ingredients. I think they got to a certain point and just said “Fuck it, it’s full of a bunch of weird shit, you don’t know what it is and you don’t care if you’re eating a mystery pill to tighten vagina expert.”

The Dutch have a great phrase for “T-Qualizer”, the t-shirt with a glowing panel on the front. It’s called plaatsvervangende schaamte and it means “shame that you feel on the behalf of someone who should feel ashamed but doesn’t.”

“I don’t WANT an Internet on my phone,” the old lady screamed, slamming her hands down on the counter. “I just want a regular one I can talk on!”

Behind the desk, Chad’s hand moved instinctively to the six throwing stars he kept in his ninja utility belt. No, he thought, better not. Only for life or death situations.

Look at these two implements. They’re almost exactly the same.

The item on the left is “Jelq Device”, a $63 hand tool used to jelq. Although unacceptable in scrabble, the word “jelq” means squeezing blood into your dick over and over, which is supposed to make it larger. Like most alternative medicine, it maybe works and probably doesn’t.

The item on the right is a jar opener. It’s $5.36. One of the customer reviews says “I used this to poach my eggs” and I’m betting that’s a euphemism.

Even though it’s probably inadvisable to use anything to squeeze your genitals over and over in a sad ritual, now, at least, you know there’s a way to poach your eggs on the cheap.

This jug of beads is really fun for kids, and for adults, it doubles as a game called “Dad Finds 11,000 Beads In His House Over The Course Of 8 Years.”

What’s best about the HairMax LaserComb is not the fact that they made four words into two. It’s not even the fact that it’s a $300 electric comb that supposedly regrows your hair. It’s the fact that in the before-and-after pictures, the guy who used it is still bald as fuck.

Look, that $26 wall socket has USB plugs built in! That would be a great idea if every single USB device ever made didn’t already come with a 120v-to-USB adapter, and if replacements didn’t literally cost pennies, and if every computer everywhere didn’t have 3 USB plugs on them too.