Monthly Archives: June 2012

“Arab Guy” costume


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Your “Arab Guy” costume was a hit at the party! Everyone laughed!

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, a Saudi teen stuffs four pillows into his “SPEAK ENGLISH OR GET OUT” XXXL t-shirt, pulls up his khaki cargo shorts, and heads off to his costume party. “I want hhhamburger,” he practices, in the rearview mirror at a stoplight. “I want bomb Iraq.”



Salmiakki

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Salmiakki is salty licorice. If you’ve had trail mix, peanut-butter pretzels, potato chip cookies, or other salty-and-sweet food, you might think “Wow, that sounds good!” But, no, of course, it’s not.

The problem is that salmiak doesn’t use table salt (sodium chloride) but instead uses ammonium chloride. Heavily salted salmiak, like the “double-salt” pastilles here, leaves the fragrant scent of ammonia drifting up through your nose as soon as it begins to dissolve. It’s terrifying on a chemical level. Your brain’s smell-processing center probably thinks your blood is toxifying, or you’re caught in a chemical cloud, or a cat pissed all over your face. You want to run and you don’t know where. You sweat and the sweat smells like ammonia.

As your motor-control neurons compel your hand to shove more of these weird tablets into your face, the smell intensifies, your tongue numbs, and you don’t know why you keep eating them. Must be that salty-and-sweet thing.



Full-body lobster costume

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Why would I rent a full-body lobster costume when I could buy it and wear it unlimited times? If I wear it for 4 years, 8 months in a row, that’s only a dollar a day! Try to spend only a dollar on your boring human clothes, idiot!

Besides, this is who I am inside, and also who I am on message boards. Look for the lobster avatar.

Websites about celebrities

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I’ve been trying really hard to find some websites about celebrities, but I just can’t find anything. How am I going to know about actor guy or sex lady? Or butt lady?

Oh, phew, I can use the internet to get a subscription to a magazine, which is made of trees that they chop down and shred up and bleach and print on, and then burn petroleum deposits that someone has to pump out of the desert to have someone drive it to my house every week. I was getting worried for a sec.



CRYSTAL COURT

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WELCOME TO CRYSTAL COURT. I AM THE HONORABLE JUDGE ფﺖ☎♿թᏇᚏ. ALL RISE.

(The judge taps his $63 crystal gavel. Billions of tiny prismatic particles radiate out from his bench, flooding the universe with seeds of life that eventually populate hundreds of planets.)

I AM SETTING YOUR BAIL AT ⌚ჯ¶

Rotary cutter

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A rotary cutter, which has a circular blade, allows you to not only cut cloth more easily and precisely than scissors, but to cut your thumbs, fingers, hands, or if you’re lucky, the webbing between your thumb and index finger. Then it takes forever to heal and hurts whenever you type. Not me, though, I would never do something like that.



Man Cave Recipes

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Look, someone who has a “man cave” isn’t going to make a recipe. They’re going to eat a bag of doritos using only their left hand so they don’t get orange dust on their dick while they’re cranking it real slow to SportsCenter highlights and murmuring “Sports… sports… sports… sports.”






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.