Monthly Archives: June 2012

Depressing & homemade


Upon seeing this title, my first thought was of the dead-eyed, balloon-titted sex monsters that internet forum people make. Then I thought of the illustrated guide on how to alter a paper popcorn bucket so you can fuck it inside a movie theater, and I thought of the Reddit guy who taped a Yoda face to his fleshlight. I thought about the article I read that describes how prisoners steal rubber gloves and towels and fuck that somehow. So I had to read “Make Your Own Sex Toys.”

The book started with some sex-positive, adult-fun talk, basic Dr. Ruth material, and then talked about the parts of the man and the woman, and then WHAM THEY SAID TO DRILL A HOLE IN A BAR OF SOAP AND FUCK THE HOLE.

Add that to my memory pile of depressing homemade fuckholes, I guess!

Barcelona chair


The Barcelona chair was created by modern designer Ludwig Mies van der Rohe for the 1929 Barcelona Exposition. It’s designed beautifully and is still being manufactured today, available for $4,200. But DO NOT TRY TO SAY IT IS FOR KIDS. The children are our future, but our future is NOT putting Dora stickers on a $4,200 Barcelona chair, and having macaroni-induced diarrhea go down in the crack between the two cushions.

A billion people


There are a billion people without clean drinking water on this miserable planet right now, so why you’d want to use gallons of it trying to flush ground-up food down your sink is anyone’s guess.

Somehow, we, as a nation, got conned into the idea that we need a special device to grind up our garbage, that throwing it in a compost heap or trash can just wasn’t first-world enough. I’m pretty sure the folks behind this are In-Sink-Erator, makers of every piece of shit garbage disposer in the world, and Roto-Rooter, the company who cleans out your drains after you put something down the garbage disposer you’re not supposed to.

If you weren’t aware that there are some foods that will clog your drains if you put them through the garbage disposer, here’s a list: Everything.

A $4,995 synthesizer that sounds like shit

I can’t think of a worse way to advertise a $4,995 synthesizer than to create this promotional video. I have a feeling that after the camera turned off, the lady in the video turned to her teenage son, smirked, and said “Who said your old mom didn’t know how to dubstep! That’s what I call a real Skrillex!”

And yes, seriously, it costs $4,995.00.

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