Upon seeing this title, my first thought was of the dead-eyed, balloon-titted sex monsters that internet forum people make. Then I thought of the illustrated guide on how to alter a paper popcorn bucket so you can fuck it inside a movie theater, and I thought of the Reddit guy who taped a Yoda face to his fleshlight. I thought about the article I read that describes how prisoners steal rubber gloves and towels and fuck that somehow. So I had to read “Make Your Own Sex Toys.”

The book started with some sex-positive, adult-fun talk, basic Dr. Ruth material, and then talked about the parts of the man and the woman, and then WHAM THEY SAID TO DRILL A HOLE IN A BAR OF SOAP AND FUCK THE HOLE.

Add that to my memory pile of depressing homemade fuckholes, I guess!

The Barcelona chair was created by modern designer Ludwig Mies van der Rohe for the 1929 Barcelona Exposition. It’s designed beautifully and is still being manufactured today, available for $4,200. But DO NOT TRY TO SAY IT IS FOR KIDS. The children are our future, but our future is NOT putting Dora stickers on a $4,200 Barcelona chair, and having macaroni-induced diarrhea go down in the crack between the two cushions.

This sofa and chair set isn’t that bad. I’d sit on it. But why did they put it outside? Whose genius marketing idea was it to say “I know how we can sell a $6000 set of leather furniture! Throw that shit out in my front yard, in that spot where the grass is kind of fucked up and brown!”

As medical hoaxes go, magnets are pretty harmless. Go ahead and brush your hair with a $20 magnet if you want to. It’s not going to hurt you and it’s not expensive. Yes, it’s stupid, but we’re talking Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball levels of money here.

Helpfully, the listing instructs customers to keep the magnetic hairbrush away from floppy disks and videotapes. No problem, unless you’ve got a time machine.

There are a billion people without clean drinking water on this miserable planet right now, so why you’d want to use gallons of it trying to flush ground-up food down your sink is anyone’s guess.

Somehow, we, as a nation, got conned into the idea that we need a special device to grind up our garbage, that throwing it in a compost heap or trash can just wasn’t first-world enough. I’m pretty sure the folks behind this are In-Sink-Erator, makers of every piece of shit garbage disposer in the world, and Roto-Rooter, the company who cleans out your drains after you put something down the garbage disposer you’re not supposed to.

If you weren’t aware that there are some foods that will clog your drains if you put them through the garbage disposer, here’s a list: Everything.

I can’t think of a worse way to advertise a $4,995 synthesizer than to create this promotional video. I have a feeling that after the camera turned off, the lady in the video turned to her teenage son, smirked, and said “Who said your old mom didn’t know how to dubstep! That’s what I call a real Skrillex!”

And yes, seriously, it costs $4,995.00.

One of the most popular “pain relievers” you’ll find online is a $32 bottle of pills containing minute amounts of rosemary, turmeric, ginger, basil, and green tea.

None of these ingredients relieve pain or have medically proven anti-inflammatory properties in the tiny quantities present in “Zyflamend.” If they did, then nobody who ate lunch would ever get a fucking headache.