Monthly Archives: June 2012

Marshmallow Peeps Album

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The Marshmallow Peeps album was released in the fall of 2001, in the shadow of the World Trade Center tragedy. It was a time when footage of the crumbling buildings was still being broadcast 24/7 on network television, and the media was pumping us up as hard as they could for the inevitable war against a lot of people who didn’t do it.

Some took the echoing late-2001 refrain “Irony is dead” as a sobering statement of just how scared many people were. The Just Born company, manufacturer of Marshmallow Peeps, must have taken this literally. “Finally,” the CEO must have said, “we can release our Marshmallow Peeps album as a sincere artistic work, and all the people of the world can enjoy this work without the tiring layers of irony that would have otherwise been heaped upon its easily-breakable jewel case.”

Either that, or the government rounded up the worst singers in the country, recorded them, and branded it as a Marshmallow Peeps CD so nobody would accidentally listen to a collection of music designed to be used to torture foreign combatants.



Mechanical Lawn Mower

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Lawn-mowing season is in full swing, which is great if you have a lawn-mowing business, and sweaty torture if you don’t. You might think that using a mechanical lawn-mower, which would be quieter and less polluting than a gas mower, might make the job more enjoyable. Wrong.

It turns the process of mowing your lawn from a resigned, loud and smelly 30 minutes to a two-hour-long ordeal. It’s slower, and you have to push harder, and if you let your lawn grow for more than about four days between mows you’re fucked. Longer grass gets entangled in the blades instead of being cut, and the cut grass piles up below and clogs up the wheels and blades.

Since the blades are moving with your own power rather than by a motor, you have to keep them sharper, which adds to the time you spend sweating in your stupid yard, and introduces the element of “Maybe I’ll cut myself on this giant yard-sword.”



Exhaust-powered car jack

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If you work on your own car, maybe you want this exhaust-powered car jack! And by “maybe”, I mean “Maybe, if you’re OK with having like a 50% chance of the car falling and crushing your head and upper body because you were dumb enough to balance it on a $200 rubber balloon.



Greenies

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Why do I love Greenies? Is it the fact that they’re expensive? Is it the fact that they cause my dog to leave drippy trails of green shit through three rooms of my house, shit that’s apparently really painful because he barks at his own butt the whole time he’s shitting?

No, it’s the fact that they’re full of cellulose fiber, splinter into hard chunks when chewed, and are known to cause bowel obstructions in dogs, which can be fatal and/or require surgery to remove.

If you care about your dog’s teeth, brush them with a toothbrush. Or do what I do and don’t brush them. He’s a dog and I made the vet cut his balls off with a laser and he’s not going on a date or an interview.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.