Monthly Archives: September 2013

Breastfeeding Neck Tent



The manufacturer describes this $59.99 hellish neck-tent as “Makes breastfeeding a breeze.” No, putting a blanket over your shoulder while you breastfeed is a breeze. Fastening a craft-fair baby shelf around your body is a nightmare. 

The Most Excited Book Ever!!!!!


The fantasy novel “Antigua: The Land Of Fairies Wizards And Heroes” ends almost every sentence with an exclamation mark. Or should I say… It ends every sentence with an exclamation mark! It’s pretty exhausting to read! An excerpt from the book is in the “Look Online” link here! You should read it! Not really, but the exclamation marks are betraying my intent! 

Candy Corn Oreos, and other fall candy


Seasonal dishes in the fall can be wonderful. But processed-food makers, especially candy makers, do their best to crush our spirits. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses are gross, Mellowcreme Pumpkins are startlingly bland, and the Milky Way Caramel Apple candies are a bizarre mix of cinnamon, fake apple, and chocolate.

But the worst, far and away, is Candy Corn Oreos. They mix the “is it really even an Oreo” vanilla cookie with a yellow and orange filling designed to taste like candy corn. It kind of does taste like candy corn. It kind of also tastes like food coloring, and wax, and low-grade sugar. And, on a personal note, I hate that I had to eat them to write this blog entry. I hate that I had to eat like 3 of them to properly describe the taste. I hate everything. 

How To Rap: Two instructional books


The book “How To Rap” provides the answer to your question “How do I say words at the same time as a beat?” The answer is that you say words at the same time & you make them rhyme. You wouldn’t have figured that out from listening to rap, of course. The book is full of quotes from rappers that amount to “Sometimes I use things from my real life and sometimes I make things up.”

For those more willing to read a book than listen to rap and practice rapping, there is How To Rap 2. Which gives such amazing advice as “sometimes you can mix singing and rapping”, and “Grunt, laugh, and make miscellaneous sounds.” Somewhere, someone in the world is reading this book and thinking “Damn! I didn’t know I could grunt on a rap song! Finally, my rap career is going to take off!”

Library Of Classics


The “Library Of Classics” MP3 player costs $99 and is preloaded with a hundred public-domain audio books. Which, being in the public domain, are free. The MP3 player itself, according to one of the reviews, broke within the first hour of use, while another notes that the chapters of some of the books are out of order.

Then again, if you’re buying a $99 pre-loaded mp3 player in the year 2013 you probably won’t notice that your Wuthering Heights got fucked up. My medicine, bring me my pills. Is Matlock on. What do you mean it’s not on any more. I want to see my Murder She Wrote.

Swimming Pool Screen


If you’re going to watch movies from your swimming pool, it might be easier and better to just put a regular screen next to the swimming pool. Instead of a $1,200 floating screen that you have to tie down to make sure it doesn’t move around. I don’t have a pool, though, so maybe there’s something I’m missing. Write me an email with your inflatable keyboard you’ve tied to a sandbag to let me know if that’s the case.

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