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Monthly Archives: March 2013

The EZYolk

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The EZYolk is a $9.99 rubber gadget that you squeeze over an egg to suck the yolk up into the green bulb. Then you squeeze it out into a separate bowl.

This would be a great idea if you couldn’t separate eggs by cracking an egg into your hand and draining the whites through your fingers, or by cracking an egg and pouring the yolk back and forth between the two halves of the egg.

Don’t cry for EZYolk, though, since humanity could be defined as the only species on earth to pay money for things it could get for free, with less dishwashing.

50 grams of protein

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The 50 grams of protein in each of these Carnivor protein shots is made from approximately 6 ounces of raw lean beef. If you’re wondering “how can it taste good if you chemically process beef and condense it into four ounces of liquid?” the answer is that it doesn’t.

The thick, sickly-sweet liquid goes down your gullet without too much complaint, but then there’s the aftertaste. To condense the beef into liquid, it’s hydrolyzed, which means it’s treated with enzymes to chop the long beef protein strands into shorter pieces. This mix of amino acids and short proteins tastes remarkably similar to protein that’s broken down inside your own gastric system by largely the same process as the hydrolysis.

Which means: it’s vomit. It’s actual, honest-to-god beef vomit. If you ate six ounces of raw beef, let it digest a little bit, then horked it back up, mixed in a kool-aid packet, and sucked it back down, you’ve got Carnivor.

And if you bought the twelve-pack, you’ve still got 11 to go.

App Magnets

SAMSUNG

You can’t get magnets of the children who work around the clock in the Foxconn factory in Shenzhen to make iPhones and iPads. And that’s a shame, because they can’t afford to buy iPhones themselves, and they keep throwing themselves out of the building because they hate working there, and they have to live there. It would be nice to memorialize the men and women, girls and boys, who toil endlessly in grime and chemicals to bring us the glowing rectangles we can’t pull ourselves away from.

Anyway, here are some App Magnets. So your fridge can look like an iPhone. Forget about those factory workers! Your fridge is an app! Yaaaaaayyyyy!!!

Sent from my iPhone



As a parent

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As a parent, I’m always looking for ways to send my child rolling down a steep hill, into a lake, onto a busy road, or even over a cliff. That’s why I like the Little Tikes Bumper Wheel.



Beat Your Way To The Top

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There’s nothing wrong with masturbation. But this book tells you to jack off while you read it, to specific situations like a teacher being proud of you, or doing well at work. And you can’t just crank it a little and turn the page. You have to finish the job. To every single page of the book. Read the “Click To Look Inside!” to see what I’m talking about.

(By the way, this is not the first product I’ve written about where I’m 99% sure the creator thought of the title first.)







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