Monthly Archives: September 2013

Fifty Shades Of Bacon

Fifty-Shades-of-Bacon

What’s worse than a poorly-written book on domestic violence thinly veiled as a romance novel? A parody of that book, written about the internet’s favorite food, bacon. One of the two authors describes himself as having a “passion for bacon.” We live in a world full of art, drama, music, prose, poetry, and animal videos, and your passion is bacon? Fucking bacon, the pork food? I want you to return all the oxygen you have ever breathed to the world, this instant.



Fingerprint Door Lock

fingerprint-lock

Let’s ignore the fact that this fingerprint-activated door lock breaks easily (according to reviews) & costs nearly $300. Let’s instead focus on the failure state of the lock, which is someone cutting off your finger and pressing your dead finger on the lock so they can steal all your shit.

Ipad Toilet For Children

ipad-potty

The “2-in-1 iPotty” is a great way to make sure your toilet-training child will lean back a little… just a little… and drench your iPad with piss. 



Moo Mixer: A Cup That Mixes Itself

moo-mixer-1

The Moo Mixer is a $12 plastic mug that has a battery-operated stirrer in the bottom, allowing it to act as a replacement for a spoon. Yeah, I mean, sure, you could use a spoon to make chocolate milk, but why do that when a $12 piece of shit will do the work for you? Here are a couple more images from the product listing.

moo-mixer-2

The implication here is that this kid can’t use a spoon. He has to use Moo Mixer because he can’t use a spoon. That’s just not true. This kid has already left three thousand YouTube comments.

moo-mixer-3

These soldiers might be able to take those guns apart and reassemble them blindfolded in the middle of a desert, but they definitely can’t use a fucking spoon to make chocolate milk. Before they got Moo Mixer they were screaming on the radio for chocolate milk backup. 



A Coffin For A Child

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Here’s something to make you feel great! A toy coffin for a child to go into. “Mom! I’m dead!” Not really, it’s just a joke, but you had to think about it anyway! Thanks, Rubie’s Costume Company!

EDIT: The company has stealthily photoshopped the child out of their illustration. Compare their illustration to the original one above.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.