Cellulite

There is no cure or effective treatment for cellulite. The problem with that is not that ladies’ legs get a little lumpy (Men don’t care, BTW) but that companies step in to fill the void with hoaxes and pseudomedicine.

My favorite anti-cellulite device, and I’ve looked at hundreds, is the G5 GX-99, which is an awful fancy name for a piece of shit that looks like a carwash vacuum taped to the bottom of a doctor’s chair. It’s not my favorite because it does over $2000 of nothing, either. It’s my favorite because the “product features” are a single, empty bullet point, nicely summing up the idea that if you want to fight cellulite, you’ll need boxing gloves and the lower half of any woman over 20.