Monthly Archives: September 2012

Absence of oversight

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The Kindle platform is a great way for independent authors to publish their work without having to give 90% of their earnings to a publisher or consign their work to stacks of dead, chopped-up trees. (Full disclosure: I’ve sold over 2,000 copies of my 2011 novel Veins through Kindle.)

Unfortunately, the absence of oversight that enables great authors like myself to pen weird narratives about Wendy’s-obsessed criminals also paves the way for books such as “Boobs & Titties: Pictures Of Them.” The real title of the book attempts to be more tasteful, but you have to hand it to this guy for coming up with this concept, one that’s so popular he’s had to write a second volume.



Chapman Stick

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It’s hard to condemn a musical instrument, a tool of artistic expression, an object of creative possibilities, to the category of “Worst Things.” Unless the musical instrument is a Chapman Stick, in which case, get in that category, you gross turd.

Undoubtedly, it started with good intentions. The jazz guitarist Emmett Chapman wanted more strings, he wanted to tap the strings instead of pluck them, and before he knew it, things got out of hand. It was too easy for too many people to play too many notes on the thing, too compelling for men with goatees and ponytails, too dad for dad rock, too smooth for even smooth jazz.

We can’t put this thing back in Pandora’s Guitar Case. We can only stop our friends and family from playing it. “You’re not funky,” tell them. “You do not need to bob your head or wince while you curl your hands over that nerd-stick. Put it down before you rip your Dockers.



Weight-loss crystals

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It’s expensive! It’s full of crystals! It helps you lose weight! Is it methamphetamine? NO! It’s the SENSA weight-loss system and it’s a giant bag of doesn’t work.

Why doesn’t it work? Because the instructions tell you to record everything you eat and limit the portions of what you consume. Will you lose weight if you do this? Yes, probably, because most people don’t obsessively track everything they eat, and don’t intentionally eat less than they want at every meal. Studies have shown that the simple act of writing down or electronically logging your food will compel you to eat less, lest you endure the embarrassment of clicking on Cool Whip and pulling down the selector for “1 humongous tub”, your ears burning as you scroll past Breakfast and Lunch to add it to your list of Snacks.

Sensa is made from maltodextrin, tricalcium phosphate, and silica. These are all commodity food additives and worth so little that the manufacturing process of measuring out tiny portions and putting them into packets costs more than the ingredients themselves. The Sensa system, of course, sells for $50 for a one-month supply.

World’s Most Inconvenient Convenient Keyboard

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“Never move your hand from the keyboard again!” brags the manufacturer of this $565.00 half-keyboard. Their claim it will “increase productivity” is a little spurious unless having Y, U, I, O, P, H, J, K, L, N, M, and punctuation keys is slowing down your work somehow.

You have to admit, though, that having the Tab, Backspace, Escape and Delete functions assigned to the same key must be amazingly convenient.

Click thru to the big picture if you want to revel in the full glory of this keyboard.

The Egg Crackers Of Earth

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This device, just like the edge of a pan, or a countertop, is an egg cracker. You whack the egg onto it and the shell of the egg cracks. Never mind that man has done this since the discovery of chickens, the year is 2012 and we can’t crack eggs without a special thing in the kitchen.

That’s dumb enough, but take a close look at that picture. The little grey thing in the middle is a RAZOR BLADE. If you need a special stand and a razor blade to crack an egg, you’re not buying eggs. Those are rocks and you’re an idiot.

I should mention this isn’t the only plastic gadget that cracks eggs. There’s also the EZ Cracker, BW Egg Cracker, and the Clever Cracker. Take a peek if you’re having a bad day and want to feel like you’re above average for being able to crack an egg with your human hand.



British cupcakes

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This British-themed cupcake kit is a great way to honor Great Britain. My ancestors loved that place until they accumulated too much crazy Puritannical bullshit not to sail a murderboat across the ocean and set up camp in the New World.

Instead of the typical tourist icons, though, I’d prefer to have four different toothpicks. One each with a CCTV camera, a raincloud, a Tesco, and a nationalized healthcare system on top.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.