Chapman Stick

It’s hard to condemn a musical instrument, a tool of artistic expression, an object of creative possibilities, to the category of “Worst Things.” Unless the musical instrument is a Chapman Stick, in which case, get in that category, you gross turd.

Undoubtedly, it started with good intentions. The jazz guitarist Emmett Chapman wanted more strings, he wanted to tap the strings instead of pluck them, and before he knew it, things got out of hand. It was too easy for too many people to play too many notes on the thing, too compelling for men with goatees and ponytails, too dad for dad rock, too smooth for even smooth jazz.

We can’t put this thing back in Pandora’s Guitar Case. We can only stop our friends and family from playing it. “You’re not funky,” tell them. “You do not need to bob your head or wince while you curl your hands over that nerd-stick. Put it down before you rip your Dockers.”