Halloween costumes for women

Halloween is two weeks out. Either you’ve been painstakingly planning your elaborate costume since June, or you’re the type who has to mail-order something at the very last minute so you don’t look like you’re not adequately displaying team spirit at work.

Why not go as Sexy Coca-Cola this year? Save yourself the trouble of adding any distinguishing features and slap on a teeny dress with a big Coke logo on it. Just the brand and your boobs and your butt. That’s how marketing works. How about Sexy Nerds (The Candy)? Wait, hold on, are all the women’s costumes this year just little dresses with brand logos? Sexy ketchup? Sexy Four Loko???

The worst of these halloween brand-dresses may be Sexy M&M. A regular M&M is something you could theoretically dress up as, because it’s a circle with an “m” on it, but a circle wouldn’t be sexy and could, I’m guessing, potentially let someone over a size 4 get into it. And that could hurt the brand. Marketing! Branding! We live in the hellscape our companies have created and when we eat their delicious candy to soothe the pain we’re not allowed to represent the brand. I’m crying, and eating Twix, and I will never be a Twix, never.