Vegan Smythe is a vegan singer/songwriter. It’s common for musicians, artists, and literati to renounce eating meat for social, environmental, or health reasons. But Vegan Smythe only has one thing on his mind, and it’s the word “vegan.”

The lyrics to his song “Groovy Vegan Song” go “Vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan vegan.” Nine times in a row. Listen to it, unless you don’t like bad things, in which case you’re not really in the right place to begin with.

I thought that mixing drinks with semen would be a niche market at best, but this book is the #21-best-selling title in the Bartending category. Don’t read the reviews unless you like people trying really hard to be funny, though.

If the coffee’s going in your colon, do you really need special enema coffee? It’s not like you have taste buds there.

Well, I don’t, anyway. If you do: I’m really sorry and I hope you like your ass coffee.

It’s true that this little plastic thing can hold 6 batteries.

You know what else can hold 6 batteries? The box that the batteries came in when you bought them.

A candle that burns for 144 hours, the wick end rotating as it pulls the coiled candle up from below, seems like a neat idea. Except:

1. Unattended flames (primarily candles) cause over 1/3 of the house fires in the USA annually.

2. According to one of the two reviews, the wax drips down onto the coil as soon as the candle burns a little bit, ruining the whole thing immediately.

Plopping my dog in a bucket at the end of my table where I eat my human food seems like a great way to ruin every meal. But, according to the manufacturer, it’s “a great way to enjoy time with your pet.” I already spend a significant amount of time every day trying to keep my dog away from food that my family is eating, so I’m not sure about that, but the customer reviews are positive. You should read them and try to imagine the lives of the various customers who are writing about their dogs. They are lonely when their dogs are not able to sit at food-level and stare at their food. They need the dog to be attached to the table. The dogs are scared of the bucket at first, but then they like it, they like it, good dog, good dog (rocking back and forth) good dog good dog good dog

“Holy Crap” cereal is made from buckwheat, chia, cranberries, raisins, and apples. These are cheap ingredients, but it costs $16.85 for an eight-ounce bag.

That’s $33.70 a pound. To compare: gasoline (in the US) costs roughly $0.66 a pound.

Maybe the box is really expensi– oh wait, it doesn’t come in a box.