“Miracle Noodles” are imitation pasta made with shirataki, which is gel made of glucomannan, an indigestible fiber. They have no calories, no fat, no starch, and no sugar. And they taste mild, so any sauce you cook them in will overwhelm the slightly-off taste of the shirataki. Some dieters love these as a way to fill their stomach with very few calories. (The 450 customer reviews are overwhelmingly positive.)

They sound great, right? I wrote about them here because, not to mince words, if you eat indigestible noodles, you shit indigestible noodles. They don’t get digested. Depending on how much you chew these weird strings, you either shit clumps of tiny little white bits that look like maggots, or clumps of long, entangled white buttworms. Bon appetit!

“Hold on,” I said, waving the rest of the group back. “I’m getting a reading on my $60 K-II EMF Reader For Ghost Hunting.” The lights on the plastic wand flickered red, yellow, and green. “Is there someone here who lost a relative… Their name starts with… S?”

“ME!” cried an old lady. “My mother. Sally. It’s my mother, isn’t it?! Oh, please, say, it’s my mother!”

I laughed. “Ghost hunting is fake, and when you die, you are gone forever,” I told her. “I owned you, you thought this thing was real, and you got owned.” As she sobbed quietly, I pointed to the others on the ghost hunting tour. “Owned,” I said to each one, as I pointed. “Owned, owned, owned.”

The author of this book describes herself as a “health and beauty researcher.” I won’t deny you the pleasure of clicking thru to the book preview and reading some of her 101 Kick Ass Things To Do Instead Of Eating, but I will say that telling someone to go on a jog instead of eating doesn’t require that much of an investment in health and beauty research.

It’s fucked-up enough to write a book encouraging women to develop or deepen their eating disorders by telling them they “deserve a flat belly” and that they should clean their house instead of eating. What pushes this one over the edge is that the first book was so successful the author wrote a sequel.

It’s dangerous to pilot a four-thousand-pound (or more) metal vehicle down the road while playing with your phone. But it’s suicidal to do it on a ten-pound aluminum frame on a road full of two-ton motor vehicles driven by phone-distracted morons.

Being able to use GPS and a stopwatch and everything on your bike would be handy, but let’s not pretend like any of us are strong enough to ignore a screen in front of our faces. We’re apes, all of us. We’re bonobos with feet that can’t grip, and our families aren’t functional, and we don’t have bonobo sex ten times a day. We’ve traded all that for our ability to create glowing rectangles and heat the earth until the oceans lap at our feet.

These magnetic toe rings note that they should be “used as a part of a weight loss and exercise program.”

Well, sure. If you combine anything with eating less and exercising more, you’ll probably lose weight. That’s like selling weight-loss cinder blocks. As people carry them away, you go “Hey, just FYI, they DO totally work, for real, but you might also want to eat less!“

“Trongs” allow you to pick up food without using silverware. They’re small, flexible tongs. It’s like having prehensile, jointed, fleshy appendages attached to each of your hands!

Oh. Wait.

The Rejuvenique Facial Horror Mask electrocutes your face in 26 spots simultaneously. It fit any face size… yessss. Yeeeeeeesssss. Joooiiiin uuuuus. (puts on mask) JOOOIN USSSSSS