The manufacturer of “VULVA Original” describes their product as “the intimate female scent as smelling pleasure” and “real odorous substance.” I won’t deny you the pleasure of reading the other horrible, creepy ways they describe this artificial-genital liquid, so read the rest here.

I’ve never understood the preoccupation with sneaking alcohol into places. It’s not that I don’t like to drink in public; I do, it’s fun and healthy. I just don’t understand why the age-old standby of putting liquor or wine into an empty can of pop doesn’t work for anyone else but me.

Take, for example, the iPhone flask. Nothing to see here, just a weirdly-shaped black plastic box covered in iPhone stickers that I’m drinking out of! No need to smell me, officer.

If you’re the kind of person to look over your shoulder and then very quietly say the n-word, you’ll love this book of “dirty words.” It might also be up your alley if you think having sex with children is a laugh riot! In fact, it spans the rainbow of shitheads, and has something for misogynists, homophobes, American xenophobes, and every other color of horrible person.

It’s one of the top-selling dictionaries online, just in case you’re wondering how many people across the globe decided they needed a comprehensive list of how to demean anyone who isn’t a heterosexual white man.

If you haven’t heard about Bitcoin, it’s the electronic “cryptocurrency” which is anonymous, decentralized, untraceable, and almost exclusively used to buy drugs online.

The people who have invested in Bitcoins by buying them anywhere from $1 to $250 each (depending on when they entered the pyramid scheme currency market) are eager to prove that they can exchange their imaginary loot for real goods. One of the only merchants who accepts Bitcoin is this Bitcoin shirt store, who, naturally, sells t-shirts that are about Bitcoin.

I’m not sure why someone would want to waste their anonymous drug money buying a t-shirt bragging that they’ve invested in a drug-money-based pyramid scheme, but then again, we were invented 6000 years ago by a magical sky-man who told us it’s okay to hit women and own slaves. Or a pool of methane was hit by lightning and took 500 million years to grow humans, who went on to invent reality television, Cocoa Puffs, and institutionalized poverty. Either way, it’s par for the course.

The Handy Gourmet FatMagnet claims to “magically” remove the fat from any liquid food if you use it to skim the surface of your soup or stew. As you might expect from a $8 gadget that claims to do something magic, it doesn’t work.

An epilator is an electric device which rips the hair out of your leg. That’s not an exaggeration. It grabs the hair, with a spring, or a drum full of rotating tweezers, and rips the entire hair out of your leg.

Any epilator is unnecessarily painful and gruesome compared to shaving or waxing your legs, but I picked the one above because it’s the same model that epilated a patch on my leg. I don’t test every product I write about here, but I tested this epilator enough to say that it hurts exactly as much as you’d think to have hundreds of your leg hairs ripped out one after the other.

It was bad enough to do this on my shin, so I was horrified to read that several customers reportedly run this hell-plucker over their armpit, and one used it to rip out her pubes. I can’t imagine.

Here’s a video of my leg being epilated.

(Video courtesy of Natalie @ Stuff I Put On Myself.)

If you loved the Beer Buckle, you’ll love The Wine Lanyard. Strap your wine around your neck like a real ‘Merican! The black nylon will match your fanny pack.