“Dick Swap” is a story of two men who switch penises. The author’s description includes the sentence “When one of the penises turns up missing, it leads them on a strange and beautiful quest of self-examination, friendship, and mystery.” You can read the preview for free in the “Look Inside” link, as usual, if you want to see exactly how they swap dicks, or why.

Sea Monkeys have been around since the 1950s, and for most of their existence, they were cheap in their disappointment. You spent three bucks ($9 these days) and got a plastic tank and a packet with dessicated shrimp that “magically” came back to life when you dumped them into water. (The scientific term is cryptobiosis – the eggs enter a state of suspended animation when removed from water and resume their life cycle when rehydrated.)

Not content with this cheap disappointment, the manufacturer has released a $49 projector-tank so you can see a shadow play by your tiny, disgusting crustaceans. Watch them float around in water, eating the tiny pieces of yeast you feed them! Watch them… uh… exist… alive… maybe! Watch the dead ones exist very similarly to the alive ones! Like most of the American dreams from the 1950s, it was a brazen lie, perpetrated by brazen profiteers, yet continues to beguile our society to this day.

For some reason, the manufacturer painted a grey shirt onto a shirtless-man JPEG in their listing for the “Insta Slim Muscle Tank Shirt” instead of actually taking a picture of  their shirt. They did the same for the picture of the back of the shirt, with equally good results, too.

This inflatable toilet seat is a great way to teach your kids to shit straight into someone’s face.

There are dozens of items titled “ASDF” for sale online. Here’s a selection of them:

“ASDF” by S. Ashton: A $6.89 paperback which appears to only contain IRS publication 10311G, the instructions for filing your federal 2012 tax return.

“ASDF: An Autosexual Odyssey”: A 398-page work of cyber-erotica which begins “Seldom do I post poetry to my blog, but”.

asdf: An audio CD available for $1.08 with a review from 2004 stating “I would recommend this CD for anyone who is into QWERTY.”

ASDF: A toy car that costs $51.82.

“ASDF: A Novelette”: a book whose author compares it to Finnegan’s Wake, which is probably true. It’s probably a lot like Finnegan’s Wake.

“asdf” by asdfasdf: A book which will be released January 1, 3333. No cover image yet, for obvious reasons.

“asdf [Single]“: A cassette single whose only picture is that of a chess set. It’s $24.18, and also out of stock.

The Dima Clarity is a $12,000 case for your iPhone 5. It also fits the iPhone 5C, in case you want to protect your $99 phone with something 121 times more expensive.

The title may be misleading. The cock ring itself isn’t a One Direction merchandise item, but for some reason, it comes with six One Direction wristbands.

EDIT: This isn’t the only item the manufacturer listed with a bunch of One Direction wristbands – they also had a “Urethral Dilator Penis Plug” which was sold with the same set of wristbands. (Google cache, since it’s gone now.)