This fake brown paper bag, at $19, is roughly 100 times more expensive than an actual brown paper bag. (A paper bag is also reusable, if you can handle taking it back home instead of throwing it away at work.)

Do you love the inconvenience of a won’t-turn-on-and-keeps-turning-off public bathroom faucet, and wish you could extend this affront to your home life? I’ve got a special $48 something for you, horrible faucet-lover.

Talk to them like they’re people, and take them to dinner? Haha, no, my friend, you’re going to need a 192-page eBook with the specific process I’ve spent years researching.

Did you think this almost-meme went away? Nope. In the year 2014, you can still buy:

1. “Keep Calm And Tan On,” a bronzer lotion.

2. “Keep Calm And Game On,” a metal dog-tag.

3. “Keep Calm: Bugs In Our Food”, an insane self-published book about how our food is full of bacteria.

4. “Keep Calm And Love Pugs”, a pink stethoscope.

5.  My personal favorite, a vest that says “Keep Calm And Take Care Because YOLO.”

The Gotcha Cap is a “self defense hat.” What does the plastic thing inside the hat do? Strangely, the manufacturer never explains it, nor why a shitty baseball cap with a piece of plastic in it should cost $40. Not the best sales tactic, considering you can get a steel credit-card that folds into a knife for $2.

This man’s description of taking revenge on his wife through his programmable thermostat is definitely true, and none of it is made up. Also, it happened in real life, for sure.

No, not the popular John Green novel-turned-movie. The league of rushed-out, unfunny parody books seeking to capitalize on its popularity. Choose from “The Fault In Our Pants”, “The Fault In Our Stairs”, “The Fault Is All Yours”, or “The Fault In Our Stars: A Parody.”

Of course, you could also choose to read none of them. But I’m not sure why you’re here if you don’t want to bathe in the stench of mediocrity.