“Elf Bowling: The Movie” costs $3.79, but even at this price, it has mostly bad reviews. It’s based off the 1998 video game “Elf Bowling,” for some reason.

It’s free to watch on Amazon Prime Instant Video, in case you have an Amazon Prime membership & want to murder 82 minutes of your life. I do not suggest this, because I watched it, and the only good part was the teaser at the end for “Elf Bowling 2: The Great Pumpkin Heist,” which, thankfully, was never actually made.

Vitamin B17 ($82 for 100 tablets) isn’t a B-vitamin at all, but rather a substance called Laetrile that’s extracted from the seeds of apricots. Not only has this substance not been proven to cure cancer, but like other compounds found in the pits of apricots and related fruits, it releases cyanide when ingested.

Despite this, the cancer-quack industry still publishes books claiming that laetrile prevents and cures cancer. Their position, which would be funny if it didn’t kill and poison people, is that cancer is a sign that the body is deficient in laetrile. (If you don’t hate the world enough today, hit the “Look Inside” link to read a little bit of the quackery.)

The Nosefrida is a Swedish device allowing you to suck snot out of your child’s nose, in the same manner you would use to start a siphon from someone’s gas tank. Only it’s snot instead of gasoline, and a baby screams directly into your face the whole time you’re using it. The downside is that it actually works, so you have to use this every time they’re sick, or you’re a bad parent.

This $79 portable desk is powerful enough to break all the visual rules of perspective! Unless it’s been Photoshopped, which it probably hasn’t.

This book is now in its 3rd edition and gives you detailed instructions for taking a shit outdoors. It’s sold 2,500,000 copies. The entirety of existence of life on earth, lasting billions of years, has involved shitting outside on the ground, yet this book exists and is a best-seller.

If you’re in the target market for this book, you might also want Sex In A Tent, an instructional manual for having sex outdoors. Another basic component of mammalian biology that you somehow fail to grasp. Lord knows how you feed yourself.

The TowlHub is a 4-port USB charger combined with a paper towel holder. It’s $49.99, which is a small price to pay for keeping thousands of dollars of tablets and phones right next to your kitchen sink.

In 2003, “Macho Man” Randy Savage recorded a rap album. It’s out of print, of course, but it’s apparently collectible.