I’ve written about the Dash Button before (a wi-fi button you stick to a surface of your home, and then press when you want more of the button’s labeled product to be delivered.) But this one tops them all: water is loaded into plastic bottles made from crude oil, driven on a series of trucks that burns crude oil, and dropped on your doorstep, because you don’t like the taste of tap water.

(Yes, I’m aware that there are certain specific situations where you would need, rather than want, bottled water. That doesn’t explain the electrolyte-water Dash Button, the condom Dash Button, or for that matter, the one for Stacy’s Pita Chips.)

iGreet is a series of greeting cards that you must scan using the iGreet app on your phone in order to view, after you receive one in the mail. They combine the speed of delivery of the US Postal Service with the convenience of scanning a QR code and downloading an app you’ll only use once.

Euphemistically described as “a woman’s not so clean VaJa Ja”, this is a gift bottle of artificial fish-scent. I don’t think that blasting someone’s face with a disagreeable scent (see Liquid Ass) is a prank to begin with, but the casual wink-nudge of “vaginas are unclean” makes this truly awful.

Goat Mug is a horn-shaped vessel meant to be used for coffee. It’s only barely a mug, really, as it has no handle, nor a flat bottom, offering instead a cloth strap printed with the words “GOAT STORY.” Here’s a goat story for you: I’m not drinking coffee out of a $30 horn. The end.

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Theoretically, the Sharkbanz, a wristband containing a magnet, will keep a shark from attacking you if you wear it while you’re in the ocean. As you might imagine, it doesn’t work. Here’s a video of a shark eating a Sharkbanz:

Adding insult to injury, customer reviews mostly agree that it’s poorly made and falls apart easily, which must have taken considerable effort considering the low cost and ease of manufacture of a rubber wristband.

Petchup is yet another “thought of the name first” product. Do dogs need ketchup? It’s immaterial once the portmanteau has been constructed.

See also: Muttstard and Bark-B-Q.