In a nation where income inequality continues to grow, public services are being privatized, and the government prioritizes funneling wealth into corporations over the basic needs of its people, it’s time for us to accept that some people just need to die to make our country better. And if you’re Victor Rook, those people are cell-phone users. Taste the blade of the national razor, cell phonies!

The Amazon Echo Show is the same thing as the Amazon Echo, plus a video screen, so it can show you advertisements.

Alexa, show me the date and time of my death.

Alexa, move the time and date of my death to as soon as possible.

Who would want a baseball cap with a scalpel on it? Probably the same person wearing this “Surgeon: Will Work For Ice Cream” shirt.

This water bottle comes with a set of plastic bands you use to count how much water you’ve had through the day, with the idea being that everyone needs to drink a certain amount of water every day. Of course, the idea of “eight glasses of water a day” has already been debunked as made-up, and, unless your doctor has specifically instructed you to take in more fluids than usual, or your mouth is defective, you’ll get thirsty when you need more water through the day.

Apart from the obvious fact that a dozen independent companies operate star-naming enterprises, a star is like a cat. You can name it if you want, but it doesn’t know its name, and if it lives outside, you can’t really say it’s yours.

The PonyCycle is a mechanically-powered horse with wheeled legs. The manufacturer says it’s “for indoor/outdoor use”, which I guess depends on whether you want your kid careening through your house atop a wheeled horse.

There’s a metaphor in the idea of finding a four-leaf clover. It represents good luck, but to find one, on average, you’ve got to spend a lot of time and pay a lot of attention. So the principle of putting in hard work to get “lucky” is part of the deal.

There is, too, a metaphor in buying a framed four-leaf clover and having it delivered to your house instead of looking for one.