This $3,500 hot tub is a plastic bowl with a metal tube sticking out of the side that functions as a heat exchanger.

The good news is that it’s safe for children, if you consider an open flame three feet away from a child to be safe.

“Haha, yeah, it’s a wooden tie, it’s made of wood,” you say to a curious passerby. “Hey, have you heard of a little thing called BitCoin? It’s like money, but money is fake, and Bitcoin is actually a more real form of money. Bitcoin is purely electronic, and— Where are you…?” You trail off, as your passerby begins to jog, already fifteen feet away from your weird ass. Dismayed but not defeated, you head back to your car, to change into your battery-powered neon tie before night falls.

Whether you use one therapeutically or not, the manufacturers of metal spinning tops lurch onward into 2018, past the fidget-spinner fad, as they attempt to extract upwards of sixty dollars from customers.

This isn’t to say that there’s not an $899 fidget spinner for sale, right now, also on Amazon.

The pregnant mother gazes lovingly at her bulging midsection. “Feel the boom,” she cackles, and cranks the Nuvo Ritmo Pregnancy Sound System to maximum volume.

The ad copy promises to let “future mom and dads… record their own voices for the baby to hear” but who are we kidding? Your fetus is already behind the times, musically, and if he or she doesn’t experience the hard-sync blasts of Darude’s “Sandstorm” before being born, they’re going to grow up listening to ragtime or something.

Two weeks ago I blogged about the American Standard 2889.216.020 toilet, which claims to be able to flush all manner of objects down itself, and today I present to you GIF-format evidence of its prowess. I also suggest that you check out the review that says that this toilet “makes waste elimination joyful.” That and getting enough fiber, I suppose.

This dry-erase board is made up of sixteen smaller dry-erase boards. The manufacturer brags that it comes with “anti-gravity markers,” which means that the end of the dry-erase marker fits into a hole on each dry-erase board. Another one of its features, which is the one that makes it worth four figures, is that it has magnets, which, as you know, are expensive and hard to get.

The “Fart Knocker” is an electronic sound-making door-knocker, based on the literal interpretation of the homophobic slur of the same name. “Fun for the family,” says a reviewer.