Monthly Archives: July 2018

The Worst Hot Tub


This $3,500 hot tub is a plastic bowl with a metal tube sticking out of the side that functions as a heat exchanger.


The good news is that it’s safe for children, if you consider an open flame three feet away from a child to be safe.


Wooden Tie


“Haha, yeah, it’s a wooden tie, it’s made of wood,” you say to a curious passerby. “Hey, have you heard of a little thing called BitCoin? It’s like money, but money is fake, and Bitcoin is actually a more real form of money. Bitcoin is purely electronic, and— Where are you…?” You trail off, as your passerby begins to jog, already fifteen feet away from your weird ass. Dismayed but not defeated, you head back to your car, to change into your battery-powered neon tie before night falls.

Buffalo Nickel Spinning Top


Whether you use one therapeutically or not, the manufacturers of metal spinning tops lurch onward into 2018, past the fidget-spinner fad, as they attempt to extract upwards of sixty dollars from customers.

This isn’t to say that there’s not an $899 fidget spinner for sale, right now, also on Amazon.

Nuvo Ritmo Pregnancy Sound System


The pregnant mother gazes lovingly at her bulging midsection. “Feel the boom,” she cackles, and cranks the Nuvo Ritmo Pregnancy Sound System to maximum volume.

The ad copy promises to let “future mom and dads… record their own voices for the baby to hear” but who are we kidding? Your fetus is already behind the times, musically, and if he or she doesn’t experience the hard-sync blasts of Darude’s “Sandstorm” before being born, they’re going to grow up listening to ragtime or something.

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