The Password Safe is a $49.95 electronic device that looks like a 90s-era standalone word processor. It stores your passwords inside of it. Which would be great, except:

1. A paper notebook would also do this, for about a dollar.

2. If you lose the password for the Password Safe itself, you’re fucked.

3. If the Password Safe’s battery dies, you’re fucked.

4. If the Password Safe breaks, you’re fucked.

There is a cheaper version available for $31, which uses a cellphone-text-message system for entering your passwords, which may be even more hilarious than the one in the picture up there, considering that every “secure” password now requires 14 characters, 3 capital letters, 2 numbers, and 4 symbols. It has 29 one-star reviews, which reflect the unfortunate reality that it works about as well as you’d imagine.

First of all, stuffed burgers are gross, because the cheese leaks fat and ruins the texture of the meat. And if you put onions, mushrooms, or garlic inside a burger, it doesn’t brown, it just gets mushy.

Several of the reviews mention that the plastic parts broke when it was used, and it’s not non-stick, so it’s impossible to get your nasty stuffed burger out of the thing to cook it.

On top of that, this is $19.95, and there are about a dozen ten-buck stuffed-burger-makers that actually seem to work. (Those are five separate links.)

But mostly, stuffed burgers are fucking gross.

The Dream Helmet is a thick blue bandage for your whole head. It has pockets so you can hide things next to your head at night. It’s supposed to help you sleep, though I’ve never been able to sleep particularly well with my keychain and wallet velcroed to my face.  

This plastic vase is described by the manufacturer as a “Japanese Shouting Vase”, and the only instructions they give for its operation is “It holds your anger.”

It would be fantastic if they made a Japanese Typing Vase, which people could type into, so their dumb words don’t go onto the internet where other people can see them.

I’m glad that our planet’s Bacon Years are over, and now we can go back to normal stuff like Sriracha socks. Sure, it’s not very good for a hot sauce, but at least it’s pretty healthy, and

Haha yeah, it looks like you’re drinking Sriracha, but it’s for water! I’m glad this isn’t going overboard like the bacon stuff, because

Wait, you cock hot sauce? What do you mean? Is this some kind of

No!!! Not this again! Just because people like one thing doesn’t mean you have to

NOOOOOOOOOOOO 

The Lanskin “Executive Lanyard Skin Case” lets you keep your iPhone where you need it, which is apparently right under your chin.

Here’s one more picture, but I strongly suggest you see the rest of the manufacturer’s photos of this thing “in use.” 

“Tampon Flasks” are test tubes which come with fake tampon wrappers, so you can bring an ounce of liquor (per tampon) somewhere and then pour it out of your tampon into your drink. Or just drink it straight out of the tampon! Both of those would be totally normal in a public place.