There’s no way of choosing the sex of your baby by having sex at a specific time or in a specific way. But that doesn’t stop people from trying to make money by claiming you can. “How To Get Pregnant With A Boy,” “How To Choose The Sex Of Your Baby,” and “How To Get Pregnant With A Girl” are three self-published titles by three different authors who would like you to believe, to the tune of two to five dollars each, that such a thing is possible.

UPDATE! My new project with Natalie Dee is called Garbage Brain University, and we’re publishing a TWICE-WEEKLY PODCAST, each one full of weird facts and stories. You can listen to the first EIGHTEEN EPISODES at garbagebrainuniversity.com and drop your email in there to get our weekly updates.

“No more cold nose,” promises Aunt Marty’s Nose Warmers, whose products include “Soft Kitty” (above), “White Sheep,” and “Silly Skunk”. The best-reviewed one is the animal-faceless “Purple And White,” which still, unfortunately, looks like a tiny, stupid hat strapped to the model’s nose.

This absurdly-expensive Bluetooth-enabled deadbolt lock is an excellent way to let someone into your house who has stolen your phone. All they’ll have to do to open your front door is open the app on your stolen phone and click “unlock.”

To make matters worse, it seems to have firmware problems, and as one reviewer noted, “when my phone is in the house, whoever touches the lock can unlock it.” And anyone prowling around the neighborhood can identify this piece of shit from its glowing blue ring of LEDs. Great job, guys.

“Lovely gift for any lighthouse fan or collector,” says the manufacturer of these “gummy lighthouses.” They don’t really look like lighthouses to me, but maybe I’ve got a penis-based mindset after spending hours looking at dildos and erotic books to post here.

If you wear these insanely expensive USB cufflinks to a formal occasion where you’d be expected to wear cufflinks, what do you expect to do with them when you’re there?

If you wear them to a place where you wouldn’t be expected to wear cufflinks in the first place, you’re a huge dork.

There is no joy in USB cufflinks.

This light-up car sticker reacts to the volume of your stereo. It’s a great way to tell the other drivers that the pounding bass tones of Darude’s “Sandstorm” are coming from your Fiat.

On second thought, they probably already knew.