“i like to eat them cold out of the can,” wrote one reviewer of Swiss Stake, a canned protein-patty product meant to resemble steak, but apparently not allowed by law to use the word “steak” in its name. “Edible, but nothing special,” wrote another. Mmmmm, edible!

The fun in popping bubble-wrap is the fact that you get to keep going, and going, and going. There are hundreds of bubbles. The repetitive nature of it is soothing. The Bubble Wrap Calendar, on the other hand, contains exactly 365 bubbles, enabling you to pop one single bubble per 24 hours. It’s like a Pringle calendar where you can only eat one a day. Once you pop, you are required to stop.

I guess the Tojoy Front Carrier For Pet Dog/Cat probably works, from a technical standpoint, but also:

Yeah, you can get hella official with this High Mass Set, but it’s gonna cost you. Like, a lot more than you think it’s gonna be. Hallelujah.

This is literally a ten-pound bag of dirt. It costs over $50. The seller claims it could have “natural gold” in it. You just have to pan it out yourself. The packaging and labeling looks legit, so how could you go wrong?

You won’t be able to fully grasp the insanity of the Ascension Healing Pyramid unless you read the description, which suggests specific orbs and symbols to be used with it to maximize your healing.

If you’re looking for something smaller, to heal, say, exactly two apples, then you’d probably want the nine-inch pyramid. Check out the pictures of this one to read up on the schizo-math that goes into healing exactly two apples inside a copper pyramid.

There is nothing dignified about The Man Sack, a kinda-testicle-shaped fanny pack, but there are fifty states in America, and none of them are called Dignity. That’s probably why a “frequently bought with The Man Sack” item is Tea Bagging, a reusable tea-bag shaped like a scrotum.