Bidet In The Time Of Coronavirus

You might think I’m going to go in on the practice of washing your ass with hot water. I’m not. Having a pre-heated jet of body-temperature water spray your starfish from the BioBidet is one of life’s amazing luxuries. You go about the rest of your day cleaner than anyone who hasn’t bideted, and it’s like having a miniature spa for the hardest-working, least-appreciated hole on your body. (Watch the video if you don’t believe me.)

But that’s the problem, actually. You could go for the $26 cheapo bidet attachment instead of the several-hundred-dollar BioBidet. It’s hygenic, but instead of jacuzziïng your tunnel with warm water and gently drying it with a fan of warm air, you shock it with cold pipe water. A brutal wake-up call instead of a day at the ass-sauna.

And what of using the bathroom at work, or in public? It goes from a pleasant break in your day to a begrudging acceptance of the fact that you’re wasting a sit-down in a cold, shitty echo-chamber. Someone invariably wipes their boogers on the wall. No ass fan. All of your future shit sessions feel like a scene from Brazil, sharing part of a tiny room with another person who steals even your solitude. Life is shit.