Monthly Archives: June 2020

Cats Love Jazz: The Album


“Cats Love Jazz” is both the presupposition and title of this album, which seems to be a computer-generated mash of MIDI instrumentals, all of which clock in almost exactly at one minute and seven seconds. It seems to have been created by someone who has never heard jazz, but rather attempted to recreate it from a written description.

If you enjoy or “enjoy” this album (you can stream it from the link up there) there’s a pond-themed album featuring the bizarre organ-seizure titled “Ducks Have Bad Hands For Jazz”, though to be honest, a few seconds of any of these tracks is more than enough for most.

Your Slyce, The Pizza Bungler


I guess Your Slyce is an okay idea. It’s a silicone divider that allows you to bake separate slices of pizza, but in the shape of a whole pizza, for people who want different toppings. But then you see the tagline: “Why compromise?”

“Indeed, why must any of us compromise,” Your Slyce whispers to you. “Isn’t it the lack of gadgetry or rubber shapes, after all, that’s keeping each and every one of us from living a fulfilled life?” You nod, believing that a more perfect pizza will let you escape the larger problems you have, until you scroll down and see the customer image from someone who used this single piece of rubber to make garbage dinner.

The ten-pound candy bar, et cetera


This Toblerone bar weighs 9.9 pounds, or, for our metric friends, 4.5 kilos. It’s not that the chocolate is bad, and the manufacturer does their best to convince you to share it, but we all know the fate of these 4,500 grams of chocolate. They’re all going inside a single person. You, if you buy it.

Can you control your insatiable urge for sugar, salt, and fat? Is it your fault that you ate the whole thing? Technically, yes, but realistically, this behavioral pathway is encoded in your genes. Find sugar, eat sugar. It kept the prokaryotes alive, and if you’re reading this, it’s worked well enough that you’re still here too. At least it’s not the five-pound Hershey bar, whose makers process the chocolate in such a way that leaves it smelling faintly of vomit due to its butyric acid content. (It’s not noticeable if you grew up eating it, but if you’ve ever heard someone referring to Hershey as “pukey,” that’s why.)


The Safe Ostrich Ball


What’s most bizarre about this inflatable toy is not that it’s an ostrich, but rather that the manufacturer seems to be selling it on its relative safety when compared to riding an actual ostrich:


How To Make Poop


I don’t know why it would be captivating to “make your own shit” (there’s already a way to do that) but sensing a gap in the market, Poo Dough sells a kit for you to do this very thing. “Be A Prank Star!” they claim, although after the fourth or fifth clay turd you leave somewhere, it’s maybe no longer a prank, and more of a mental problem you’re inflicting upon others.

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