Monthly Archives: July 2020

One Man, 2 Swords


What do I “do” with all my Ninja Swords? I carry them on my damn back, in case there’s trouble. And there will be trouble if anyone asks again.

A Stone For Your Phone


The Stone is a $30 plastic rock which pairs with your phone and has a motion sensor, thermocouple and button, all of which can be set to perform actions on your phone. Unfortunately, as the real reviews note, it doesn’t actually work, and you can’t carry it on your keychain (as they suggest in the picture) since that causes it to fall apart.

Like many new products, it has a bevy of five-star reviews that were left in exchange for getting a free item, which you’d think would be illegal, or at least against someone’s rules, somewhere, but don’t seem to be.

Hot Dog Steamer


“Are you like millions of Americans who enjoy hot dogs year round?” asks The Hot Dog Steamer, and, of course, the answer is no. We tolerate hot dogs year-round, in the absence of the time, energy, or money to prepare healthier and better-tasting food for ourselves and our children. We have microwaves, and we put the hot dogs in there, and then we tolerate them.

There is a fancier version of this, with retro styling, which only serves to remind us that as the experience of the ruling class grows richer daily, we’ve been eating hot dogs for sixty years.

Gamer Mug: The Mug For Gamers


For those unable to complete any task unless it is tied to a game-based accomplishment, this “gamer mug” offers you a cheery “LEVEL COMPLETE” message at the bottom, when you finish your drink. The good gamer boy finished his juice! 50 points for the good gamer boy! And you’ll get 50 more if you can resist Tweeting at someone saying you’re going to assault them and burn their house down!

Hungry for Mario Cereal or Call Of Soupty? There is, as you would probably imagine, a matching Gamer Bowl.

You Died On Purpose



How will you die? The mystery lingers over all of us, with a panoply of ailments and accidents we dare not speak for fear it would curse us to the same fate. But for those who buy this backpack attached to a gas engine and giant propeller, the answer is clear: You will hit a cliff, you will fall, the blades will lacerate you. You will drown in the ocean. You will become trapped in a tree. The details are up for debate, but at the end of it all, you will die as a result of hooking a parachute and propeller to yourself.

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