HELLO I AM YOUR NEW GRANDMOTHER. I HAVE DISPOSED OF YOUR EXISTING GRANDMOTHER(S) AS THEY WERE SUBSTANDARD AND NOT NUDE.

You wouldn’t think that an umbrella you wear as a hat would be such a persistent novelty, but here we are in 2020 with another umbrella hat. It would be unremarkable but for the “Yeah, we’ve got umbrella hats, and yeah, we’re cool” picture the manufacturer includes in the listing.

If you’re dying for more umbrella hat, here’s a list of available umbrella hats I made a few years ago.

This hat is a baby-boomer’s nightmare vision of what a millennial would wear: a snapback with two middle fingers (one of which says FUCK) flanking the word SHIT.

This de-shedding tool would probably fine if it weren’t for the name.

Why would you call it that?!

Hatch Baby, a padded scale, allows you to weigh your baby obsessively. You set your infant on it, several times a day, and worry excessively about the numbers it sends to your phone. The graph goes up and down, giving you a visual readout of the terror you experience as a new parent. It works to intensify the fear and guilt you naturally feel when burdened with the responsibility of a newborn baby. Not satisfied by the white-knuckle grip that anxiety holds over your life, you allow Hatch Baby to quantify and magnify your deepest fears.

It’s great for dads, too.

For my mouth-accessory money, I’d rather have Hyperlip than the Pretty Women Silicone Face Slimmer. I guess I’d better get both, just to be safe.

Americanize your front door with The Gun Key, a 45-caliber key blank that can be cut as a duplicate of your house key. There is, of course, also an AK-47 house key.