Monthly Archives: December 2020

Asshole Business Cards

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Meant to be kept with you at all times (if you’re a terrible asshole,) Offensive Business Cards is a twenty-dollar box of a hundred business cards bearing passive-aggressive insults about someone else’s body odor, their tattoos, their intelligence, and a few other subjects. It’s a great gift for the person who’s always mad about everything everyone else does, and is foul enough to feel the need to carry pre-printed cards to externalize it.

If your passive-aggression is limited to parking, though, you might want to go for the “You Parked Like An Idiot” business card set.

Or, if you have health insurance, therapy.

Planty, The “Smart” Flowerpot

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Caring for a houseplant is a relaxing and fulfilling responsibility. That’s where Planty comes in. You hook it up to wi-fi and it turns the simple act of watering a plant into  another red dot to the never-ending list of tasks your phone commands you to perform throughout the day. You can even press the “water the plant” button while you’re at work, to prove to the ruling class that you value labor above all else.

The only thing more depressing than Planty would be a wi-fi gadget that lets you push a button on your phone to give your dog a treat while you’re at work. And because our world is a dirt-crusted globe of despair, that gadget exists.

Don’t Use Or Buy Metal Grill Brushes

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Metal grill brushes like these, when used, shed their bristles. These razor-sharp thin wires, if they stick to your food and enter your body, can become lodged in your esophagus, puncture your stomach, intestines, or liver, or even cause a pulmonary embolism, which could be fatal. Physicians universally recommend against using metal grill brushes, but since it’s technically a cleaning product and not a food, it’s apparently harder to regulate.

The bristles are so thin they don’t show up on X-rays, and are difficult to remove using non-invasive techniques.

Grill season is more or less over this year, but you might want to just wad up a piece of aluminum foil and use that to clean your grill from now on. (And no, before you ask, you can’t use The Grillbot, the Roomba-ed version of the same metal grill brush.)

Goatse Mug

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The perfect mug for someone who wants to combine a 27-year-old ad campaign with a 21-year-old “shock image” of a man’s butthole.

At work.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.