The Eggstractor: Our Problem With Eggs

The longer I write here, and the more egg-related items I find, it’s become clear that no one can deal with eggs. The Eggstractor is a plastic contraption that’s supposed to remove the shells from hard-boiled eggs. According to the 124 one-star reviews, though, it doesn’t work. The real reason I’m showing you The Eggstractor is for this random guy’s homemade commercial for the Eggstractor, where he takes two minutes to show you how to use it. It even includes this egg-shaped microwave egg cooker.

Ultimately, though, we have to reflect: what is it about humans that makes eating an egg so difficult? It’s not the egg’s fault. A chicken doesn’t wake up in the morning and hatch a plot to make us create, sell, and then use the Rollie Eggmaster to levitate a turd-shaped cooked egg out of a metal hole. There’s no reason for you to cook an egg in an Egg Genie and then push it into the Egg Cuber to make the egg a cube. You simply go outside, pick the chicken up, and as the egg slides out, you catch it in your mouth, crunching it, and then spitting the shell out as you would a sunflower seed.