Monthly Archives: February 2021

The Bluetooth Basketball


“Surely, this is a joke,” you say, having read about the wi-fi crockpot and the wi-fi scale that tweets your weight every time you step on it. But it’s not a joke. It’s a two-hundred-dollar basketball that connects with your phone, and plays sounds from a speaker inside the basketball.

There is also a Bluetooth soccer ball and a “Connected Football”, because we have been cursed with enough collective intelligence to miniaturize and insert wireless technology into everything we own, but rather than use it to bring people together and improve the world, we make it easier to play basketball with ourselves, alone.

A Computer’s Waffle Iron


Too expensive to give as a gag gift and too cumbersome to heat on a stovetop when you want the occasional waffle, the Keyboard Waffle Iron exists for only one reason: the manufacturers thought of the pun “Ctrl-Alt-Delicious” and thought it was so good they had to go ahead and make the waffle iron.

There are pictures of the resulting keyboard-waffles on the listing, if you can’t deduce from the iron itself what they would look like.

The only upside to the Keyboard Waffle Iron is that it does actually make a waffle, as opposed to the Darth Vader Waffle Maker, which seems to make some sort of shitty pancake instead.

The Teeth Box: BabySaver


BabySaver is what I would have called this box intended to collect your child’s body parts as they fall off. Instead, the manufacturer went with “Baby Teeth Box Wooden Tooth Album Keepsake Souvenir Box Organizer for Boy.” Their instructions include boiling the teeth before sticking them in the box, because there’s nothing that fills you with the joy of human existence like boiling teeth.

There is an even creepier version of this product, made by a different company, and I’ll let you see for yourself what makes it so creepy.

Electro Deflecto: A “Tin Foil” Hat


Say goodbye to the daily kitchen-labor of molding your own. For just $14.99, you can buy a pre-made aluminum-foil hat. Say what you will, but if you’ve got a mental problem that gets better with a placebo, you may as well go with the cheap placebo, instead of the $649 “Sensor V Pendant” that claims to be, with their capitalization, “Just Like Wearing A Pyramid Over Your Body.”

Why pyramids? The delusional 1985 book Pyramid Power, which claims to be the “#1 Bestseller On Pyramid Energies”, could tell you why, if it made any sense. You’ll be buying a Six Foot Buddha Maitreya the Christ Copper Meditation Pyramid System For Healing ($652.00) before you know it.

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